Welcome to the Future
by stevebond1990
Summary: Reincarnation isn't fun, but there are worst places to wind up than New New York. A place where the semi-competent can scheme their way to the Top. Better make sure Mom never finds that copy of the Evil Overlord's List I had on me or I'm screwed. Self-Insert and AU. Pairings aren't decided. Minor Crossovers likely.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

My name... well? It's Phillip J Fry now.

Either I pissed off God or Q is real and looking for a new chew toy.

So... Here I am, in Panucci's pizza parlour, in New York, December 1999...

Which was nearly twenty years ago, by the way.

Waiting for the old man to give me the delivery that will define my life.

"Yo, Fry," speak of the Devil and he shall appear, "pizza going out."

"Got it," I said before he could yell at me, I scooped up the box and slipped out.

I unlocked my bike and headed out into the late night traffic.

* * *

For the city that never sleeps, it's pretty quiet, little traffic.

Speaking of, I stop by some traffic lights and a cab pulls up.

"Hey Michelle," my so called 'girlfriend' blinks and stares at me through the window, I grin as I note the arm around her shoulders, "another new guy? seriously that's, what? the fourth this week?"

I'm howling with laughter inside as the arm withdraws and the serial cheater looks at him in horror, "did you really think I wouldn't notice? Consider yourself dumped, well if you can be dumped seeing as you don't commit. Anyway, Happy New Year."

I'm laughing as I ride off, I've wanted to do that for about a month, but that couldn't have been timed better.

* * *

At about quarter to twelve, I arrive at the skyscraper that is destined to be the only building in Mainland New York to survive the next thousand years on the surface.

I chain up my bike, knowing it'll be gone within five minutes. Hell, this is why I never bought a decent one.

I exit the lift on the sixty fourth floor, I check the address.

"Room 405," I read, I spied the door with applied cryogenics on, I entered to find the room empty.

Nibbler's here somewhere though.

I wipe away the frost on one of the chambers to see a man inside.

"This is the place," I say under my breath, "Hello!" I shouted, "Pizza delivery for..." I check the note again.

"I.C. Weiner?" seriously, Panucci should know by now which are prank calls, "Crud."

I set the pizza down on the desk and settle into the nearby chair, "Seriously, I should be the one making prank calls," I complained as I opened a beer.

Euuch! give me a good bitter any day, what the yanks call beer is lager everywhere else.

I glance out the window to see the electronic billboard next door light up, I raise my can in toast, "Here's to another lousy millennium."

I take a draft as the countdown continues, leaning back on the chair.

Idly, I wonder if things will be better in the future.

I take another draft but over balance, one second I'm hanging in mid air, the next my eyes are spinning and I'm in one of the caskets.

"What the Deuce?!" I shouted as I stood up.

The door is shut.

"Huh... Huh... HUH?" I uttered then everything went white.

* * *

Then the colour came back.

the casket opened and I stretched.

"I needed that," I then scratched my arse as I walked towards the door but something caught my eye as I passed the window.

I could only stare in wonder.

It was like someone took a nineteen thirties idea of the future, mixed it with Coruscant from the Phantom Menace and applied a technicolour palette form a kid's cartoon.

"I... I'm in the future?" I gasped.

"My friends.. my coworkers.. my family? They're all gone!" I realised, then it hit just how crappy my life had actually been. "WhaHoo!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Welcome... to the Wooooorld of Tomorrow!" a voice announced, startling me and causing me to put my hand on the pistol in my pants pocket.

Yes I have a pistol, it was New York and few thought much of robbing the delivery boy.

"Do you have to do that?" another guy asked, turning on the lights at the end of the room.

"It's called showmanship," the first guy, a blonde guy with geeky looking glasses.

"Delivery needs a little work, bit cheesy if you ask me, but not bad," I added.

"See, he gets it," the first guy said.

"Yeah, but he's from the twentieth century," the second retorted.

That was below the belt.

"Come, your destiny awaits," the first guy continued.

* * *

A few minutes later i'm outside another room with the word's Fate Assignment Officer on the door.

"Have a nice future," the second guy says and the door opens upwards.

"Wow," I admire, as the other two leave, "just like Star Trek.

And the thing closes on my head.

Q has to involved, this is right up his sense of humour.

* * *

I step inside, grumbling about sadistic omnipotent beings messing with me, when I look up and see the back of a rather curvy female.

"Good afternoon sir," the woman say, then turns around.

My first reaction is to recoil at the sight of a not-quite human but... she makes the cyclops thing work, she might not be conventionally beautiful but I'm not getting a bad vibe from it.

I really need to get laid.

"Name?" she asks, walking up to me.

"Phillip J. Fry," I reply, "call me Fry, everyone did."

"I'm Leela," I find myself mesmerised by her eye, the animators didn't do iris' in the show but they really dropped the ball, her eye is an amazing amethyst, that goes well with her darker shaded hair, "now, it's New Year's Eve, so I'd like to assign you quickly and get out of here."

I blink as I realise I wasn't paying attention.

"Any questions?"

I bit my lip not ask the obvious.

"Any questions other than about my eye?"

"No," I reply honestly.

"Uurggh," she groans, "go ahead."

"Are you an alien or was there a real Eugenics War?"

"A what?" she asks, bewildered.

"Well, in the back story for the original Start Trek series, Humanity dabbled too much in genetic engineering and a war broke out between those augmented and vanilla humanity," I explained, "you know? science running amok and biting us in the arse? I was wondering if something similar happened or you are an alien."

"That's... actually better than most questions I get from morons waking up from the twentieth century," was that a compliment? "well, there have been a few cases of science getting out of control over the years but nothing involving genetic engineering."

"So you are an alien? Is it common?" I replied.

"Fairly," that's when I notice the date on the blimp outside, Leela looks at me with a little concern.

"I knew I'd been gone a long time but... a Thousand Years?" I just slump against the wall as it all comes crashing down. "Shit."

"This must be very hard for you," Leela said gently, "but there's work to be done so strip naked and get on the Probulator."

* * *

Five minutes later I'm bollock naked on a table that looks like it came straight out of a bad alien abduction movie.

Sure felt like it when it went to work too.

As I slip my boxers on I hear a fax machine start up.

A fax machine?

"Well, it seems you have one living relative, he's your great, great, great, great..."

Five minutes later.

I'm fully dressed and still have my pistol hidden.

"...Great, great, nephew," Leela finished.

"That's great," I couldn't resist, "what's his name?"

"Professor Hubert Farnsworth," she shows me a picture of a wrinkly old man.

* * *

"You know," I muse as Leela finishes writing up my file, "I'm the luckiest guy in the future. Granted a chance to begin again and make something of my life..." I'm interrupted as an alarm sounds, "What's that?"

"Your permanent career assignment," she rotates the holo-screen to show me.

Delivery Boy?

To Hell with that!

"Anything else, Please?" I begged.

"You've been assigned the job you're best at, just like everyone else," Leela retorted.

"And what if I don't want to?" I argued.

"Then you'll be fired..."

"Yes!"

"Out of a cannon and into the sun," Leela deadpanned.

"You've been waiting to use that line," I accused.

"Maybe," she hedged, "now hold out your hand."

"Bugger off," and i'm out the door before she can grab me.

Right turn. End of the corridor. Left turn. And...

I'm back where I started.

"Bugger," I muttered as I eyed the tube I was released from.

I hear boot steps behind me and dodge, I turn round and back up.

"Hold still, damnit," Leela said, "I don't have good depth perception."

I can almost imagine the light bulb above my head right now.

I stop just in front of the cryo-tube.

She lunges at me and I dodge at the last second.

As she rights herself the tube seals and the lock activates.

"I can't believe that worked?" I say to myself as Leela finally turns around.

She knocks on the tube three times but can't open it, "you've got until the count of five to open it. One..."

And she's frozen.

"Time to make my exit," I say to myself, but my conscience tugs at me as I reach the door.

Her tube is set for a thousand years.

Could I really do that to her?

Not really, I conclude as I reset the tube for fifteen minutes.

"You owe me one," I told the frozen woman, then continue my plan of escaping.

Once I'm out on the street I'm stunned.

* * *

There's people wearing see through bags with sensor strips covering the naughty bits, a cat in a jet pack being chased by a dog in a jet pack.

A guy riding a jet bike; as in, a bicycle with two small jets instead of wheels.

Buses shaped like whales.

A Jet powered armchair.

A gravity defying mono-rail.

And everything hovers, there isn't a wheel in sight.

Though there is what looks like a robot on caterpillar tracks on that street corner.

Then I look up and see people flying through a glass tube.

"Whoah!" I gasp, "did someone find the old Pneumatic Postal system and scale it up?"

I ran around the corner to find a tube that opened to the pavement, a woman disappeared as I watched and a man stepped in.

"JFK Jr Airport," there was a thrum sound and the man was sucked up into the tube.

"Wow," I said and stepped into the tube, "Errr..."

Where did I want to go?

"Grand Central station?" that got me nothing, "How about cross town express?"

I felt a sucking motion then I was screaming as I shot through the tube.

The terror passed and I started to enjoy the trip, I felt like I'd been stabbed as I saw the torch from the statue of Liberty had been removed to make room for the tube.

I felt like screaming, but there's nothing I can do now.

Eventually I note I seem to be slowing and there's a huge ball thing ahead.

I manage to roll over but I still hit a wall at twenty five miles an hour feet first.

Eventually the pain fades enough to stand, but it still feels like I tore something in both knees.

* * *

I eventually find what looks like a phone booth. Oddly it looks like one of those early twentieth century wooden walled booths that fully enclosed rather than the modern glass sided ones.

I step into the queue, pulling out the fax with my nephew's details on it. I step forward as the next person enters the booth but I look up as I hear a cup-tapping sound, glancing over my shoulder I gasp.

"Wow!" I say, "a real live robot?" then I frown and squint at it, "or is that a cheezy new year's costume?"

"Bite my shiny metal ass," the robot retorts.

"I've seen plastic car bumpers shinier than that," I retort.

"Why you'ch... what chitta... arrgh urk!" the robot splutters then the pricks of it's eyes go blue.

"That doesn't compute," I teased, glad to see the 'Blue Screen of Death' was still alive and well, I look back and see the queue is gone.

I step into the booth and press the red button labelled start at the top of a grey screen, but nothing happens. I press it repeatedly then as I'm drawing my hand back to belt the thing the robot looks over my shoulder.

"Hey, listen buddy, I'm in a hurry here, so let's try for a twofer?"

He then puts what looks like a quarter on a string into the slot and yanks the coin out.

I roll my eyes as he chuckles at the age old trick.

 _"Please select mode of Death?"_

I blink then shrug, "Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call?"

 _"You have selected Slow and Horrible."_

Wait? Mode of Death?"

"Oh shit!" I curse as the panel opens.

There's a drill, a chainsaw, a pair of electric tongs I once saw used to castrate a guy in a really bad Vietnam movie and two other less identifiable things.

I Yell and flatten myself against the side of the booth, accidentally pushing the robot out of the way too.

After a few moments, punctuated by a K-bar stab, the doors unlock and I scramble out.

"Lousy stinking rip off," the robot mutters, kicking the side of the booth, "oh, by the way, I'm Bender."

"Fry," I reply.

"Well, I didn't have anything else planned for today, let's go get the drunk," Bender suggested.

I didn't have anything better to do.

* * *

"You know, I didn't know robots needed to drink," I noted, watching Bender chug a lager.

"I don't need to drink, I can stop anytime I want," Bender retorted, then burped like an exhaust pipe flaming out.

I rolled my eyes at his clichéd response.

"So they made you a delivery boy, huh?" Bender noted, "Beats my job."

"What did you do?" I asked, taking a draft of Doom Bar.

"I'm a bender, I bend girders, it's all I'm programmed to do," Bender.

"You any good at it?" I ask, then fight the urge to facepalm, of course he was good at it.

"You kidding?" he asks me, "I was a star! I could bend girders to any angle: thirty degrees, forty five degrees, fifty seven degrees..."

"Then why'd ya quit?" I asked.

"I found out the girders I bent were used to make suicide booths," he replied.

I sat in silence after that, taking a swig.

Bender then does that thing where he uses his mouth as a trash can, "Well, it was nice meeting you, Fry, but I'm off to kill myself."

"Wait," I exclaimed as he walked away, "you're the only friend I have."

"You really want a robot as a friend?" Bender asked, curiously.

"Yeah, since I was six," I said honestly.

Bender thought it over for a moment, "ok, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals, so if anyone asks you're my debugger."

I nod in agreement, noting to ask exactly what a debugger was later, when I noted Leela outside.

"Bollocks, I need to get out of here," I muttered.

"Why?" Bender asked.

"Because the Gestapo showed up," I replied, "don't look, don't look!"

"I'm not looking," Bender said nonchalantly, but when I heard the buzz of his eyes, I headed for the back door.

Bender catches up to me on the street and we spend the next twenty minutes running until Bender takes my arm.

"We can hide in here, it's free on Tuesdays," he then drags me up the steps, my knees hitting every single one as he did, and we enter the building.

We duck behind a book case, but spin round when someone speaks.

"Welcome to the Head Museum," my jaw drops as I recognise the speaker.

"I'm Leonard Nemoy," the head himself greeted.

"Wow," I almost ask him to do the Vulcan salute but think better of it, "hello sir, my name's Phillip J Fry."

The door bursts open and Bender and I duck behind a display case, we back up slowly until I bump into another case, I turn round to see several heads overbalance, knocking into each other, one falls off.

I dive for it and catch the head before it hits the floor.

"Phew," I say in relief, then note the head in person, "I'm sorry, Mister President."

"Well, no harm done, kid," Richard Nixon's head replies, "you've got good reflexes, I could use a man like you."

I glance over my shoulder, I silently curse as I note the two cops, "I wish I could take you up on that, Mister President, But I need to leave before the fascists find me," I quietly put him back on the shelf.

"Very well," he says, noting the fuzz as well, "come back to see me sometime, would you kindly?"

"I'll see what I can do, if not I'll call," I said, then hurried into a side hall with Bender.

Bender locks the door behind me and I look inside. It's like an old cell in Alcatraz and there are bars on the windows.

"Damn," I mutter.

"We're trapped," Bender laments.

"Wait," I suddenly realised, "we can get out of here if you bend those bars!"

"Are you kidding?" Bender exclaims, "I only programmed to bend things for constructive purposes..."

"And by quitting you've already defied your programming, it's time you started making your own decisions," I argued, "think of it as bending two small girders."

"You're full of crap Fry," he turns around and breaks a hanging light bulb, electrocuting himself.

"You make a persuasive argument Fry," he then walks past and starts on the bars.

"I can't do it... I can't do it..." the bars start groaning, "I. Can't... Do IT!"

The bars snap and come away, "Alright!" he cries, "From this day forth, I'm going to bend what I like, when I like."

Then his arms fall off.

"Oh," he says sadly.

He then puts his arms back on without them being attached.

"I don't know how you did that?" I saw it and I still can't wrap my head around it.

I hear Leela's warcry and scramble out the hole, Bender following me and bending the remaining bars so she can't follow.

We end up in an alley, the only exit is a grate on the floor.

"Looks like one of us is going to have to bend this grate," Bender postures.

I flip the grate open, Bender whines in disappointment.

I head down the ladder, idly wondering what I'll find below.

But I wasn't prepared for what awaited me.

"What is this place?" I ask as Bender joins me.

"The decaying ruins of Old New York," Bender answers, then cheerfully adds, "Welcome home, buddy."

* * *

As we walk the streets, I can make out old landmarks, and not just the famous ones either.

"This is my old neighbourhood," I realised, "this place brings back a lot of memories."

"Keep em to yourself, pops," Bender snarks.

We stop above the old ice rink, but you wouldn't recognise it if you hadn't seen it before, "This is where I took my girlfriend on our very first date," I can imagine what it was like for a moment, the moment is broken as I realise sharks are circling exactly where we danced, and then a large tentacle with an eye on the end rises out of the water.

"They're gone," I realise, "Everyone I knew and cared about is gone."

"Wait, there's someone you know," Bender says, looking over my shoulder.

I look round to see Leela, holding that damn device, in a ray of sunlight.

Something inside me snaps, "You just can't let me go, can you?" I growl.

"You gotta do what you gotta do," she quotes at me.

"You can keep your New World values, coz mine belong to the Old World," I take my grandfather's old Colt 1911, flip the safety as I rack the slide and take aim.

My first shot slams into her device, the next sends her running.

A laser beam makes me duck, I look left to see the two cops holding laser guns.

"Suspect is armed and dangerous, Oh Yeah baby," the robot says into his wrist radio.

I fire two shots into his centre of mass and then start running, a massive crash tells me I've either taken him down, or he's tripped over rubble to avoid my shots.

We keep running for several blocks until I think we've lost them, I keep looking back until Bender gets my attention.

"Look, we can hide in there," he takes off towards the lit building and I follow him, it's not until we are inside that I realise it's the old US Navy recruitment office.

"Wonder why this place is still in one piece," I idly noted.

"Because we use it," I spin round at the voice, raising my pistol but quickly regretting it as two men in exoskeletons raise machine guns in reply.

"I believe we can dispense with the weapons," a man in a blue uniform with cherry facings says, the guards lower their weapons and I take the opportunity to do so, "I am Lieutenant Commander Kyle Williams of the Earthforce navy."

"Phillip J Fry, Twentieth Century slacker and Thirtieth century fugitive," I replied.

"I'm Bender," Bender replied.

"And what brings you to our fine establishment?" Williams asked.

"Trying to escape a gestapo agent from the cryogenics lab sticking me with a deadend job," I answered.

"Indeed," he said inquisitively, "well gentlemen, I may be able to help you, the Force offers many opportunities and doesn't discriminate one race, sex, colour or creed."

"How come you aren't recruiting on the surface?" Bender quizzed.

"Bureaucracy," Williams replied, "United Earth, despite founding the Earth Alliance, is no longer a member, thus while we are permitted to recruit from it's population, due to it being a historical member, we can only recruit where they say we can."

"Which is Old New York," I noted, "I take it they have their own army?"

"Which forms the core of the peace keeping forces of the Diplomatic Order of Planets, yes."

"Can I see a list of options?" I ask, taking the pad and skim reading it.

"Fry, are you really thinking about this?" Bender asked.

"All servicemen and bots get a booze ration, not counting what you pick up on shore leave," I noted.

"Let me see that," I take another pad as Bender swipes the first one.

After a few minutes I decide on the position, "I want to sign up as a midshipman?"

"Sign me up for engineer's mate," Bender adds.

Williams smiles at us, "I have a good feeling about you two."

"Now, minimum tour of service is two years, that takes into account six months training, if you have family, no is the time to say goodbye."

"I don't have anyone to say goodbye to," I say with a sad smile.

"Me neither," Bender adds.

"Then follow me," Williams says.

Ten minutes later I'm in the back of a shuttle prepping to meet a corvette in orbit, I take out the fax of my nephew one last time,

"I'll see you soon, Hubert," I say to the picture, "Just not today."

I put the fax away as the shuttle lifts off, beginning the next chapter of my life.

Little did I know I wouldn't see Earth again for another two years.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Just to clarify, this fic is both a self-insert and AU, the SI has been inserted as Fry. While this does mean he will follow the series, he will not act or react as canon Fry may have.

Also before I get any flames, the alien race I'm introducing, the Voxxen, are anthropomorphic foxes. This isn't as far a stretch as it sounds because there is a canon anthro cat race shown in 'I Second That Emotion' in the waiting room for the vet holding a miniature human.

If you don't like it, then don't read.

If you recognise it, I don't own it.

Chapter 3

I'm feeling a little nervous as the shuttle descends, I haven't seen Earth in two years due to signing up with Earthforce and what a tour it was.

The Dilgar war (though that clusterfrak was due to Zapp Brannigan's incompetence snowballing horribly), the Omicronian invasion, the Liberation of Vox from Omicronian occupation, _another_ Omicronian invasion, the Proxima Robot Rebellion (another of Brannigan's foul ups) and the Omega Incident (courtesy of Earthforce's, semi-competent, version of Brannigan, Michael Jankowski).

Though winding up the Captain of a Hyperion-Delta heavy cruiser (however briefly) was neat.

Now, I just need to find a phone booth...

"Hey Fry, what you gonna do once you get down there?" Bender asked, blowing smoke rings from his cigar.

My right ear flicked as the smoke brushed it, "looking for my many greats nephew, like I meant to two years ago," I told him.

"Really?" he asked in surprise.

"Why not, unlike you I don't have anywhere else to go," I pointed out.

"Well, it's not my place to say... but do you really think a geriatric old meatbag is not going to have a heart attack when he sees you?"

I glare at him as my ears twitch again.

Ok, two months ago was the Omega Incident, during the incident my ship, EAS _Von Der Tann_ , suffered a plasma leak from the number 3 reactor as a result of Jankowski flamingoing up.

Naturally I went back to try and save my shipmates, leaving me with second degree plasma burns on forty percent of my body and soaking up enough delta radiation to make my great grandkids glow in the dark. Between the burns and the radiation destabilising my DNA the only thing that could save my life was completely rebuilding my body using gene-splicing and genetic engineering.

By some coincidence (possibly cosmic meddling), my DNA was spliced with a sample taken from the Direwolf skeleton in one of the natural history museums.

Fortunately the only obvious outward sign was the two wolf ears on either side of my head, unlike the others who now sported furry ears, wolf-like noses and tails.

The less obvious sign... let's just say if I ever date a Voxxen they'll be _very_ happy.

"Come on, it's not like I ended up like Samson or Kane," I protested.

"True, but he's still old," Bender countered.

"And has thus, likely seen plenty of weird stuff already," I countered.

"Eh," Bender replied elegantly, "you're paying for the cab, right?"

I glared at my friend then turned back to watching the shuttle's descent.

* * *

Well, the building's as I remember it, though it seems a little bigger.

I ring the bell and wait, my ear flicks as Bender starts whistling.

After a few minutes a foggy figure appears through the glass and the doors open, "eh wha? Who are you?" a wrinkled old man wearing thick glasses, a lab coat, polo-neck sweater, pyjama pants and turquoise slippers.

"I'm Phillip J. Fry, your long lost uncle," I said.

"I don't have an uncle Fry!" the man retorted.

"You do now," Bender countered, pushing past him and into the building.

"Sorry, Bender's an acquired taste," I apologised, "look, I was frozen in the twentieth century and when I woke up they told me you were my surviving relative,"

He took the fax I held and examined it, "this is dated two years ago!"

I winced, "Yeah, had a few problems with the cops so I joined Earthforce."

"Wait, you're _THAT_ Philip Fry?" he demanded incredulously.

"Yeah, but don't spread it around," I asked him, "the fangirls..." I shuddered.

"I know the feeling," the professor said solemnly, "well I have a device that can verify this so why don't you come on in?"

* * *

Ten minutes later I'm in an armchair with my finger in a doohikey that has a nineteenth century style lightbulb on top with the professor facing me with his finger in the other side.

Finally it stops ticking and the bulb lights up.

"Heh. This is absolutely incredible," the professor says elatedly, "I am your nephew."

"A few hundred years removed," I quip.

"Heh heh," Bender chuckles, then leans over the professor, "can we have some money?"

I roll my eyes as the professor refuses.

"Here, let me show you around," the professor says.

We follow him into the main hangar.

"This is my workbench and this is my lab stool," the professor says, gesturing to both items, then waving at a light green spaceship, "and there is my inter-galactic spaceship."

"Nice," I compliment as my eyes rove the hull, "your own design?"

"Yes indeed," the professor confirms, "here, let me show you the many lengths of wire I used."

"Wait, I'm sorry," I apologised as I realised something, "I didn't get your name."

"Eh wha?" the professor replied eloquently, "Oh! Hubert J Farnsworth, of course."

"Wait! The man who invented the Dark Matter Distortion engine?" I asked excitedly.

"The very same," Farnsworth confirmed, proudly, "and I found your work on the Frame Shift Drive and Hyperspace most stimulating, we should find time to talk shop some day."

"Looking forward to it," I said with a smile, after I joined Earthforce I found I had a healthy interest in some of the more obscure technologies and sciences once commonly studied (while still theoretical) on Earth, my research led to not only a new form of FTL travel but the scaling down of one of Earthforce's signature weapons, the latter convincing the Omicronians that tangling with the Force was hazardous to their health. It isn't often I can find someone I can talk about my interests with.

A clock chimed somewhere, "oh my, it's getting late, I suppose you need to be off home."

"Actually, I don't have anywhere to go," I admitted, rubbing my neck, "I was hoping I could spend the night..."

"Of course," Farnsworth agreed, "I'll show you to the couch," he then set off slowly back to the stairs.

* * *

I ducked into the area that doubled as kitchen and conference room overlooking the hangar, drying my hair after taking a quick shower.

"Ah Fry, there you are," Farnsworth greeted, "crew, I want you to meet my uncle, Philip J Fry."

"Sorry I'm late, had to hit the shower," I apologised, then took in the faces, locking in on one instantly, "Hermes!"

"Sweet lion of Zion!" the Jamaican native exclaimed, jumping up, "Fry mon, you're here?"

"Got that transfer from Stranivar then?" I noted, embracing the man.

"Aye, and a promotion along wit it," Hermes said proudly, straightening his jacket.

I whistled, "up two levels? That can't from just my hard work."

"No, sadly you only got me promoted to level thirty seven, I earned the next while working here," Hermes told me.

"Fry, you know Hermes?" Farnsworth asked.

"He was the Bureaucrat in charge of the supply depot at Stranivar station in Proxima Centauri, every request and requisition I filed during my tour went through him," I explained.

"Filing enough to make any bureaucrat happy," Hermes announced.

"Well good, sit down and I'll introduce the others," I joined the table, between Hermes and Bender.

"This is Doctor Zoidberg..."

A Decapodian waved his claw, "Hello."

"There's Scruffy, the janitor..."

"Mornin'" the man greeted.

"And that is the Captain, Turanga Leela..."

I blinked as a familiar amethyst eye bored into me, "for what it's worth, I'm sorry I was an ass two years ago."

The alien in turn seemed surprised I'd actually apologised, "well, seeing as you apologised, I forgive you."

"What about me?" Bender asked, just strolling in with a cigar in his... what is the thing that functions as his mouth called anyway?

"You haven't apologised," Leela shot back.

"Eh."

"Do you two have jobs yet?" Leela asked.

"We just left the service last night, not like we've had time," Bender retorted, I noted the looks on Leela and Hermes faces.

"Unemployment is a Federal offense, isn't it?" I deadpanned, introducing my head to the table when they nodded.

"Actually, you may be in luck," Farnsworth said, "as luck would have it, there are a few openings I need to fill in the crew of my space ship."

"What happened to the old guys?" Bender asked.

"Two retired, one died," Leela replied... a little _too_ quickly.

"What are the openings?" I asked.

"Navigator, Cargo Delivery Officer, Cargo Handler and Weapons Officer," Hermes listed, "technically we need a pilot but Leela's covered it so far."

"What's her job?" Bender asked.

"Captain," Leela replied.

"I'm qualified up to five kilotons," I told Hermes, "depending on control layout, if it's too funky i'll fall back on weapons officer."

"Fair enough," Hermes said, cutting Leela off, "if you'll follow me."

* * *

Five minutes later we're back.

"Well?" Leela asks, almost nonchalantly.

"Custom setup," I said, shaking my head, "I'm licensed on Alliance Standard controls."

"However, Fry has generously agreed to cover both the navigator and weapons operator posts," Hermes explained.

"And I am the new cargo handler," Bender announced.

Hermes nodded and made a note.

"Now, I need to check the mail slot so I'll leave you to your breakfast," Hermes said, then headed to the front of the building.

"So why'd you quit the cryo job?" I asked as I poured myself some cereal.

"I always wanted to," Leela said quietly, lost in thought a moment, "I didn't realise how much until I met you."

I took a moment to voice something that had bugged me, "what happened to those cops?"

"You hit one, officer URL, the robot, but barely scratched his paint, he then tripped getting into cover," Leela explained.

I let out a sigh of relief, that was a real weight off my conscience.

"Good News Everyone," Farnsworth announced, as Hermes returned, "we have a delivery."

"Someone dropped this package through the slot last night," Hermes stated.

"Looks more like a crate," Bender snarked.

"So you need to deliver it," Hermes continued, ignoring Bender.

"You can count on us," Leela said, standing up.

"Let me grab my jacket and I'll be ready," I said, washing down my last bite of caffeinated bacon with a glass of orange squash.

* * *

Five minutes later I'm walking over to the ship with my spare flight suit on.

Alliance issue flight suits have four parts that magnetically seal: boots, trousers, jacket and a helmet. Unlike the Doop counterpart they are fairly comfortable to wear on their own.

I'm wearing a white t-shirt under my jacket and just boxers and socks under the trousers, I'm leaving the helmet at home this time.

"So where we heading?" I asked, stepping up to Leela who is checking the manifest.

"Nowhere special," she says, bored, "just the moon."

"The... the Moon? The Moon, Moon?" I asked excitedly, "I'll get to walk in the footsteps of Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, Pete Conrad and Alan Bean."

"Before you go, I'd like to introduce the last two members of my crew," Farnsworth said, walking over to us, two people with him.

"This is Amy Wong, an intern and one of my engineering students," he then leaned over to me and whispered, "I like to keep her around as she has the same blood type as me."

"Hi, it's nice to meet you," the pretty Chinese girl in the pink sweatsuit said.

"Philip Fry, What's up," I replied, looking round at a high pitched Eep from somewhere.

"Wait a minute, Amy Wong, of the Mars Wongs?" Leela asked.

Amy went all shy, "we're not as rich as others think."

"Uh huh," Leela didn't buy it and neither did I, "and what sorority were you?"

Amy didn't answer for a moment, "Kappa Kappa Wong."

I cocked an eyebrow at that, even I'd heard of that ultra exclusive Preppy sorority

"And this is Ari'el For'est, an Astro-Engineering student from Vox I'm tutoring," Farnsworth starts looking for the Voxxen in question as I frown, that names familiar, "come now, there's no need to be shy, dear."

A pair of black tipped ears poke out from behind Amy's shoulder, followed by honey coloured eyes.

A wave of familiarity hits me as the young Voxxen steps out, I haven't seen her since the Liberation.

"Hey kid, you're looking great," I smile, which causes her cheek fur to fluff out in a blush.

"You know each other?" Amy asks.

"Not exactly, I was leading one of the shore parties during the Liberation and we eventually came to an old mine that had been turned into a prison," I explained, "we weren't ready for what we found inside."

I gestured to the shy girl, "I found her in an old side tunnel, starved and with a broken leg, carried her out myself."

"I never thanked you for saving me, sir," Ari'el said softly, her voice flowing like honey, sorta like counsellor Troi's no I think about it.

"No need for the sir stuff, my tour's over so just call me Fry," I said with a warm smile, "and you're welcome."

She looked me in the eye and smiled, she's very cute for a fox like alien.

"Well, now we all know each other," Farnsworth interrupted, "you youngsters have a delivery to complete."

"Can we come Leela?" Amy asked, looking like an excited ten year old, helped by Ari'el pulling spectacular puppy eyes beside her.

So. Darn. Cute!

"Well, I guess so," Leela mused, "just be careful, I'd like to keep any major screw-ups until my second week as Captain."

I chuckled as the two raced up the stairs and into the ship.

* * *

I looked up from the nav console as Leela tilted the ship on the ramp for launch.

"New Berlin acknowledges our transit, transferring flight plan to your console," I reported, linking my console to hers.

"Confirmed," Leela acknowledged, "Thanks Fry, it's nice I won't get pulled over for traffic violations again."

"You've gone all this time without a navigator?" I asked, somewhat surprised.

"It's only Alliance and Earth space that really cares," Leela said, offhandedly.

"But we've been getting more local jobs lately," Amy filled in.

"We doing a countdown?" I asked.

"Huh?" Leela asked, nonplussed, "oh, sure."

I smiled, "Ten... Nine..." I barely felt the lurch.

"Ok, we're here," Leela announced.

"five, four, three, two, one, blast off," I said dejectedly under my breath as I saw the ship enter Lunar orbit.

* * *

"Come on, I want to see the moon," I called as I rushed out once we'd landed.

"What's the hurry? it's open..." I heard Leela call back but was down the corridor before she finished.

I stop at the bottom of the gangway, "That's one small step for Fry..."

"And a giant line for admission," some dude retorts.

I look round to see an amusement park, "Oh wow?" then I rush back inside.

I burst into the cockpit, "you guys, they landed an amusement park on the Moon!"

"Guh," Amy said, "it's the happiest place orbiting Earth."

"I thought that was the Low Orbital Club," Bender quipped as Amy and Ari'el blushed.

"Let's go, already," I said, turning back to the door to find Leela holding the manifest.

"Fry, we have a crate to deliver," Leela reminded me.

"So, lets drop it off then go," I suggested.

"Nah, too much work, let's toss it in a dumpster and say we delivered it," Bender countered.

"We're going to deliver the crate then go home," Leela decided.

"But I've never been to the Moon," I said dejectedly.

Either I looked more pitiful than I thought or Ari'el was pulling puppy eyes again, because she relented, "alright, we'll deliver the crate like professionals then go ride the bumper cars."

She rolled her eye as we celebrated, "Amy, why don't you help Fry unload the package," she then handed Amy the keys to the ship, "and lock up when you're done."

"Aye aye, Captain," she said, I mean, one eye. I mean, yes sir... eer, ma'am."

I chuckled as I followed Amy down to the hold, remembering when I stuttered like that.

"When we reach the hold, I collect the trolley and wait on the lift as Amy activates the overhead crane.

I bite my lip as Amy drops the magnet on her head.

She gets it together places the crate on the trolley before I set the lift going, I then sent the lift back up once I reached the ground and waited for Amy to run through the ship, lock up and then join me.

Soon enough the Chinese girl runs down the gangway and over to me.

"Ready?" I ask.

"Let's go!" Amy says excitedly.

Five minutes later we're entering the drop off point for supplies.

"Anyone in?" I called out.

"Yesziz," a semi-familiar voice called back.

We eventually reached the desk to find the guy who seemed to be the handyman for damn near everyone lazing around.

"Delivery, one crate," I read off, "sign here," I said, holding out the manifest.

"Sureziz," he says, leaning up to take the clipboard and signing off on the delivery.

"Thanks," I said, then turned to leave.

* * *

We caught up with the others on Moon Street USA, Bender fell out for a moment but caught up to us as we reached the souvenir stand.

"Who buys this junk?" Leela asked after a moment.

"Losers looking to get things for other losers," Bender shot back.

I noted Ari'el's face fall as she put back a mug, I nudged her and grabbed a fridge magnet.

"Say Bender, didn't you say you wanted a fridge magnet?" I said, planting one on the side of his head.

"What?" he then started scratching at his head, "Get it Off! Get It Off... uh oh!"

"How many roads must a man walk down," Bender sang, doing a slow dance, "before you can call him a ..." he then howled like a wolf and I yanked the magnet off.

He gasped for breathe, "Don't do that, magnet screw with my inhibitions module."

I shared a grin with Ari'el, No Way I wasn't using prime ammunition like that.

"So you flip out and start acting like some crazy folk singer?" I ask.

"Yeah," Bender says sadly, "I guess a robot would have to be crazy to wanna be a folk singer."

I follow the others to one of the rides called 'Whalers on the Moon'.

I have a bad feeling about this.

* * *

It's a few hours later when we're getting some Orlon Candy, the moon equivalent to cotton candy.

I sigh as we start heading to another of the rides.

"What's wrong Fry?" Leela asks.

"It's this place," I said, "it's fun and all, but... it's all fake. The air, the gravity, the gophers..." then I catch sight of a porthole, "that's what I came to see," I ran over and peered out, "I came to be out there, jumping around like an astronaut."

"But the phony stuff is what's fun," Leela argued, "it's boring out there."

"Yeah," Bender agreed, "you're the kind of guy that goes to Jerusalem and doesn't go to the Sexateria."

"The only time I go to Jerusalem is for the Sarajevo/Belgrade soccer match," I countered.

That got me some weird looks, "what?" Bender asked.

"Bender, of all robots I thought you'd be all over it," I admonished, "The Sarajevo/Belgrade soccer riots are Legendary."

Leela face palms as Bender stares like I just gave him the Holy Grail.

"When's the next... Hey!" Bender rubs his side from where Leela nudged him.

"I was going to go on the Lunar Rover ride, maybe Fry could join me?" Ari'el proposed, "you ride around in a rover in a spacesuit and the line's short because it's educational?"

I smiled warmly to her, "lead on."

* * *

The rover was rather small, far smaller than the real thing, and it was locked into a track like many such rides on Earth, but I wasn't fussed.

"Finally, some real Moon action," I said enthusiastically, earning a giggle from Ari'el.

The rover entered an airlock and the tannoy activated.

 _"The story of Lunar Exploration started with one man, a man with a Dream."_

The airlock opened to a black and white kitchen with the full moon shining through a window.

As the rover moved forward, two animatronics activated.

 _"One of these days, Alice. Bang, Zoom, straight to the moon!" the man said, gesturing to his wife then the moon._

"Wow, were astronauts really that fat?" Ari'el asked me.

"No," I frowned, "that's a tv comedian using the moon as a metaphor for beating his wife. Real astronauts had tobe in the peak of physical fitness to work in space."

The rover continued though the exhibit.

 _"No One knows when, where or how Man first arrived on the Moon..."_

"July 20th, 1969," I retorted, "Saturn V rocket to orbit then a three module orbiter that separated the landing module in orbit."

 _"But our 'Fun-gineers' think it went something like this."_

I felt sick as more of those animatronics appeared and started belting out that stupid whalers song.

"This is wrong," I said, "this isn't how it happened."

"How do you know?" Ari'el asked quietly, "You don't have a fungineers degree."

"My dad taped the network broadcast of the landings," I told her, "I saw it over a hundred times as a kid."

"Screw this, I'm taking this out onto the real moon," I said, looking for a way to lever the rover off the track.

"You can't, Leela will be mad if we cause trouble," Ari'el argued, "besides, it's on a track."

"Not for much longer," I said, snatching one of the harpoons.

I toss it in front of the rover, the point digging in.

The rover runs over it and is lifted up for a moment, the harpoon starts to give and the rover leans to one side, I turn the steering (wheel?) so the rover turns and doesn't return to the track.

I accidentally drove over one of the animatronics as I directed the rover out of the ride.

Quickly we're out among the dunes and craters, Ari'el looks back nervously, then turns to me, "well, you're on the moon. We should turn back..."

"No," I exclaimed, "I want to explore, and I want to see if we can find the original landing sight."

"But it's been lost for centuries," Ari'el argues.

"Somewhere in the southeastern Sea of Tranquility," I replied.

Ari'el blinked, "how do you know that?"

"Wikipedia," I chuckled, then looked at her seriously, "best get a GPS fix so we can find our way back."

She looked at me like I was crazy, but complied, and started in fright, nearly sending us into a crater from nudging me, when Wikipedia actually loaded, after using the rover's own transceiver to get a GPS fix we started making our way towards the rough location of the landing site.

"Fry, are you sure this is right?" Ari'el asked me after half an hour, "it hasn't been updated in over a century."

"Should be close enough for us to be able to find it," I said, "it is an orbital photo after all. just don't lose that GPS fix."

"Ok," she sighed, the screamed in glee as I made another jump.

* * *

About an hour into the search, Ari'el's phone goes off.

"Hello?" she then stretches her arm out as someone shouts.

 _"Where the Hell are you two!"_

I exchange a glance with Ari'el, guess big boots found out we went for a joyride, I keyed my helmet mike and synced it to Ari'el's, "er, we went for a detour."

 _"Why am I not surprised."_ Leela sighed, _"first Bender gets arrested, then Amy loses the keys to the ship. Where are you?"_

"On the far side of the sea of Tranquility," Ari'el said, then gasped as I nudged her after stopping the rover.

 _"How did you wind up... Fry stole one of the rovers from the ride, didn't he?"_ Leela deadpanned.

"We were looking for the Apollo 11 landing site," I explained as I started the rover again.

 _"Of all the dumb... wait! Were?"_ Leela asked bewildered.

"He just found it," Ari'el replied, then sent her a picture as we stopped next to the descent module.

 _"How did you know where to look?"_ Leela asked.

"Would you believe me if I said a twentieth century website?" Ari'el asked distractedly, taking in every little thing from the historic site.

And Pictures.

 _"Actually yes,"_ Leela replied, _"it's exactly the kind of dumb thing Fry would say and actually work by a fluke."_

"Hey," I protested, glaring at the phone instead of comparing my footprint to Neil Armstrong or Buzz Aldrin's.

 _"Look, I hate to spoil your fun, but I need you to head back,"_ Leela said, continuing after I whined, _"look, you've made history today, but it would mean a lot if you could get back here."_

Ari'el gave me puppy eyes, "ok, we'll head back, just give me five minutes."

"Ok, five minutes then head back," Leela agreed, then hung up.

"You've got those GPS coordinates, right?" Ari'el nodded, "can you send them to me?"

She sends me the coordinates for the landing sight, I memorise them then put in a call, "Hey Dick, how's things? ...That good, huh? ...listen, I'm on the moon and found the old Apollo 11 landing sight, I have the GPS coordinates and would appreciate if you could get them to the right people... No, I didn't do it alone, one of my new coworkers is with me... Planet Express, my many greats nephew's company, I'd appreciate if the company got the credit... Thanks Dick, you're a good Republican."

I hung up and noticed Ari'el staring at me, "what, I do have friends besides Bender."

"I'd be worried if you didn't," Ari'el said cheekily.

"Vixen," I retorted, making her cheeks fluff out again, "come on, lets head back.

"Uh oh," I didn't like the sound of that.

"What's wrong?"

"We don't have enough oxygen to make it back," Ari'el said nervously, bring up a holographic map that showed we'd run out several miles short.

"Anywhere we can stop off at?" I asked.

"One, a hydroponics farm."

* * *

We stopped outside the farm and ran into the airlock, waiting for it to cycle was the longest minute of my life.

Once inside we wrench our helmets off and take great gulps of fresh air.

The distinctive sound of a shotgun cocking makes me look up.

"Trespassers, eh?" the farmer says, staring down the iron sights at Ari'el.

"Sorry, but we were running low on oxygen," I explained to the man, "we needed to find shelter, between that and dusk."

"Eyup," the farmer agreed, cradling the gun on one arm, "that'd do it, especially as it hits one seventy below out here at night."

"Fahrenheit or Celsius?" I asked curiously.

"First one, then t'other," he answered.

"Any chance we could buy a cylinder or two or stay until our friends pick us up?" I asked.

"Well, I guess ya'll could stay a spell until yer friends git here, but ya'l be doin chores ta earn yer keep," the farmer mused.

"Just don't be a-touching mah beautiful robot daughters, 'kay?" the farmer threatened.

"Robot daughters?" a glance showed Ari'el was just as surprised.

"This here is Lulabelle-7,"one robot in a pink dress with pigtails waved.

"This is Daisy-Mae 128-K," another robot in a flannel shirt and daisy dukes waved.

"And this here is the Crushinator."

I gulped as the pink robot that resembled a tank rolled up, "no offence to yal, but I prefer my girls to be organic, soft and squidgy," I said unthinkingly.

"None taken, sugar," Daisy-Mae replied, "everyone has their type."

As we headed to the barn as directed, I turned to Ari'el, "mind calling Leela?"

* * *

I scowled as I milked the buggalo in front of me, Leela had given me a reaming captain Bligh would be proud of.

Stupid Xeno grew up in this time, the Moon has always been a stone's throw away for her, there was nothing special about it.

But for me it was the Dream of a Lifetime. In a time ravaged by ideological politics, economic crises, proxy wars and the greatest armed stand off in history, the Moon Landings were something apart from all that.

Proof that Humanity could rise above the petty concerns of politicians and corporations and achieve something pure and wonderful, proof Humanity could move forwards in spite of terrestrial concerns.

She doesn't care about truth or History, doesn't understand that the Moon was a symbol in my time and that it still is to me.

I feel Ari'el step behind me when a gunshot rings out.

"What the Deuce!" I shout as I suddenly find myself on the floor with my arms full of frightened Voxxen.

We both look up in time to see Bender run out of the farmhouse, followed by the farmer, "I'll teach you ta sleep with mah robot daughters!"

As the farmer reloaded, Bender ducked into the barn, closing the glass doors, "He'll never find me in here."

My brain slipped a gear as it tried to reconcile Bender hiding behind a _SEE THROUGH_ door.

"Bender?" Ari'el asked as she climbed off me.

"Oh Bender," I groaned, "you didn't touch the Crushanator?"

"Of course not!" Bender said indignantly, "a lady that fine you've gotta romance first."

A gunshot shattered the doors, made Bender ass ring, and me and Ari'el run for cover.

We grabbed our helmets and ran for a nearby rover with the Confederate battle flag on the front, Ari'el threw me an oxygen cylinder and hooked up our suits as I drove to the main airlock.

The farm is nearly out of sight when a shot flies overhead, I look back to see the farmer and two daughters chasing us in a reconfigured third daughter.

She had to be a rebuilt tank.

I looked forward just in time to swerve round a crater, only to be met by a crater the size of a mountain, I pulled a hard turn left to avoid crashing into it.

We were driving down a gully and another shot had missed as Ari'el yelped.

An arch over the gully.

"It's too low!" she cried.

"Hang on," I said firmly.

"Hang on..."

"Hang on..."

"Jump!"

The three of us pushed off and soared over the arch, coming back down into the rover.

A crunch behind me told me the Crushanator wasn't stopping.

I steeled myself as we ran straight for a ravine, quickly I turned towards a lip on the cliff edge, "Hold onto your Helmets!"

The others screamed as the rover went airborne, I stupidly looked down and jerked my head back on seeing crocodiles in helmets leap up in an effort to snatch us.

I can't describe the feeling as we landed, nearly cheering when the rear left axle hub broke and the wheel fell off.

As we got out, I saw the Chrushanator stop on the other side of the ravine, "come on, lets go," I said to the others.

Ari'el pointed us in the right direction and we set off.

* * *

After about twenty minutes Bender called out, "Hey Look!"

I looked back and gulped, "nightfall's coming!"

the moment the sunlight faded it felt like I'd stepped into a freezer.

"Come on, before we freeze!" I shouted and set off as fast as I could.

"What do you mean 'We' mammal?" Bender asked.

We spent the next ten minutes trying to outrun the sunset, eventually having to stop for rest.

"We can't outrun it forever," I said as we rested, then I felt Ari'el move beside me.

"Look, there!" I looked where she was pointing and saw a familiar dome like shape sticking up out of a shallow crater.

"An LK?" I asked incredulously, I shook my head as she looked at me, "Never mind, get to it!"

We bounded over as fast as we could, Bender slouching along behind us.

On reaching the Soviet lander I noted it was a little larger than the one I saw in pictures back in the nineties, Ari'el got the hatch open and climbed in, I found myself taking a moment to admire her rather curvaceous behind before shaking myself out of it and following her in.

It was a tight fit so I closed the hatch, forgetting Bender was outside.

 _"Oh? No room for Bender, huh?"_ I heard after a moment, _"Fine, I'll go build my own Lunar Lander. With Blackjack, and hookerbots... In fact, forget the blackjack and the lander."_

I rolled my eyes and settled back into one of the seats next to a window.

I don't know how long we sat in silence for, it was kind of nice actually.

"Fry?"

"Yeah?" I replied.

"Why is the Moon so special to you but not the others?" I looked at the shy Voxxen in surprise.

"Well," I though of how to answer, "the first thing to understand is that in my time the world was a very different place. Politics, Nationalism, proxy wars, resource crises... the Earth wasn't the utopia it is now. Hell, for most of my life the world was in a nuclear standoff that could go hot at any second."

I sat upright and looked at her, "everyday the news was full of tragedy, fighting breaks out here, an epidemic there and the latest round in the constant pissing match between the two largest political blocs in the world. It may have been that pissing match that put man in space, but it didn't create the dream of going there. For all my life, the Moon Landing was a symbol, a symbol that Mankind could rise above everything that pulled us down and achieve something greater. It was something good and pure in the crapsack world I lived in."

"When I was frozen, only twelve men had stepped onto the moon," I told her as I looked out onto the surface, "twelve men who got out here by basically strapping themselves to a rocket, interplanetary travel is nothing special now, but back then fewer than a hundred men had had the same privilege, fewer had actually been to a world beyond our own. Ever since I was little I wanted to join that elite group but I wasn't up to snuff."

I shook my head and sighed, "it's just a dream really, a dream that died with the old world."

"Fry, look!" I looked up to see Ari'el staring out the view port, I climbed up next to her and smiled.

There, far below us, was the Earth, and as we watched the darkness receded to show the beautiful blue and green marble so few had seen before.

Then light shining off something metal brought my sight down, "uh oh."

"Is that Bender?"

I banged my head against the hull, "For all that tin can claims robots lack hormones he sure acts like a high school horndog."

I looked up just in time to see the farmer crest the ridge atop what looked like a combine harvester.

"We're boned," I said, "Wait, what's that?"

"It's the Planet Express ship!" Ari'el jumped up and down in glee as the familiar green ship appeared, "we're saved!"

"Wait for it," I said, my grin growing as the magnet closed in on Bender, "Wait for it..."

"Gotcha!"

We watched as Bender started dancing on the bottom of the magnet while the ship flew closer, then turned to wave a fist at the ship, then went back to singing.

There was an almighty clang , then the lander was pulled off the surface.

As the ship started to reel us in over the muffled sound of Bender's singing, Ari'el looked at me, "so Fry, was the moon anything like you imagined."

I smiled at her, "Close enough."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

"So what was wrong with your date last night?" I asked as I poured myself and Amy coffee.

I never really thought much of coffee or tea before I joined Earthforce, but once in I realised that the Navy ran on the stuff and Helium-3.

Also, Duct Tape, by the long ton.

"I don't know," Leela mused, "it's something I can't quite put my finger on."

"Maybe his vile lizard tongue," she said, wrinkling her nose.

I rolled my eyes at her blinkered outlook on relationships, after the reactor leak I learned that 'Exotic' features were not only sought after but made dating more fun.

I even earned a reputation for having a * _ahem*_...smooth tongue.

Amy scoffed, "you're too picky."

"Yeah, exotic features like long, textured or prehensile tongues can be great if used right," I teased, enjoying the blush on the usually stoic captain.

"There's nothing wrong with having high standards," Leela retorted as she stepped over to the conference table, "Now, can we pleas..."

"The female, Leela's, problem is purely medical," Doctor Zoidberg interjected from his seat, "soon she will drop her eggs, they will hatch and all will be well."

"You just need to give males a chance," Ari'el said as I set a mug in front of her.

"Yeah, the first time you meet a guy and think he's a pig," Amy picked up, "then later on you realise he has a really good body."

"Or he's a great orator," I said to Ari'el, wiggling my eyebrows, making the Voxxen snort into her coffee and spray Amy.

I fought not to smile as she tried to glare at me while her cheeks were fluffed out in embarrassment.

If Amy wasn't glaring she'd be cooing at the cuteness.

"Thank you all for your _inspiring_ advice," I wonder if she gives lessons on using sarcasm with a straight face? "but I'm perfectly happy with the way my life currently is."

"That sounds like a cry for help," Bender deadpanned just before he dropped into his seat, "So, Fry. You got your own place yet?"

"Yup, in the 500 Americana," I said, smirking as Bender went into blue screen mode as everyone gasped, "a gift from Admiral Tennant for services rendered."

"You mean when you rammed a frigate up the ass of that Sekhmet trying to tear _Nemesis_ a new one?" Bender asked, drawing more stares from my colleagues.

"That was YOU?" Amy demanded.

I'm not surprised by their reaction, it was one of the most famous scenes of the war, "I believe we were gossiping about Leela's love life, or lack there of?"

I smiled as the conversation turned once again.

"Let's all take her out tonight," Amy suggested, "there's lots of places to meet people."

"The Federal Sex Bureau," Hermes suggested.

"The Saucy Puppet Show," Bender proposed.

"The Warren," I blinked and looked at Ari'el, who wouldn't meet my eyes.

"I'll pick," Amy said after Zoiberg spoke up.

* * *

I woke up the next morning with a headache. Not a hangover, I lost the toss and wound up designated driver, so I got stuck watching everyone else, except Leela who stayed stag, get blitzed out of their skulls. Which has coincidentally led to my current situation.

I lean my head away as a soft black nose nuzzles my right ear.

I wound up spending the night with a soused Voxxen curled up in my lap that has a habit of nipping the ears of her sleeping buddy.

I am Damn glad I'm not rooming with Bender... or anyone else.

* * *

We're all back at the conference table, drinking coffee, and neither I nor Ari'el can look at each other without blushing.

"So, you must have had the pick of the litter last night, after we all left?" Bender said suggestively.

Leela gave him a look that promised pain, "can we stop talking about my personal life?"

"Yes, let's talk about Leela's personal life later," Farnsworth said, walking over and activating the holo-projector, "we have business to attend to."

"A delivery?" I asked.

"No, a tax-deductible mission of charity," Farnsworth clarified.

The projector started up, _"This is Vergon-six."_

"This is Vergon-6," Farnsworth said, pointing to the image, "it's a sunny little 'Doomed' planet inhabited by lots of frisky little 'Doomed' animals.

"Animals?" Leela perked up.

"Wait a sec?" Bender interposed, "isn't Vergon-6 the planet that has that Dark Matter core the Doop morons were bragging about?"

I frowned as I remember my last interaction with Brannigan, that did sound like what the blowhard was bragging about.

"Indeed, and now the animals are in desperate need of rescue," Farnsworth continued, "you see, Vergon-6 was once filled with a super dense substance known as Dark Matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds."

"Great, a lump of coal that weighs five tons," Bender noted sarcastically.

"Wait, what about the animals?" Leela asked.

"Well Dark Matter is highly valuable as starship fuel, so that's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow," Farnsworth explained cheerfully.

"Which means that sucker is on the verge of collapsing in on itself," I pointed out.

"Then what about the animals?" Leela pressed.

"The wha?" Farnsworth replied eloquently.

"The animals?" Leela reiterated.

"I didn't say anything about animals," Farnsworth refuted, "now, it seems the planet will collapse within three days, incidentally, this will kill all the animals."

"So we have to bring back two of each kind," Leela said, "like Noah's ark!"

"Why two?" Bender asked, I rolled my eyes as Leela whispered in his ear (Ear?) and he started giggling.

* * *

"I bet Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye," I said to Bender as I finished checking our plotted course.

"That'll take forever," Bender argued, "what she should do, is find a nice guy with one eye and poke one out."

I bit my lip to stop from laughing.

"Do you mind?" I narrowly avoid looking at Leela.

"No," I reply cheekily.

"Here you go," Bender says, holding out an iron fork for Leela to take, "you can use this as an eye poker."

"Thank you," Leela deadpans, "I don't care how many eyes a guy has... as long as it's less than five..."

I roll my eyes as scanners pick up a return.

"All I'm looking for, is a guy who's adventurous, self-confident... maybe a snappy dresser..."

"Got a return," I called out.

"How big?" Leela asked.

"Capital class at least," I told her, " probably the Doop blockade ship."

"Wonder which Space Corvette it is?" Bender mused from his station.

"How can a capital ship be a corvette?" Leela asked, confused.

"Corvette was the name of a brand of sports car in the twentieth century," I explained, "the first models had a very distinctive design that the Doop used to model the front of their capital ships with."

"Hence, Space Corvette," Bender finished, "so, which one is it?"

"Getting the IFF... Ah Crud!" I moaned, my voice muffled by my console after introducing it to my face.

"You mean... " I nodded, a clang told me Bender had just joined me in console-face relations, "Ah Great!"

"Is that... The Nimbus!" Leela exclaimed, "That's Zapp Brannigan's ship!"

"WE KNOW!" we both look up to see Leela looking between us as though watching a tennis match, with a bewildered expression.

"You don't like him?" She asked incredulously.

I turned to Leela, "look, we dislike the jerk because we both have scars from several of his foul ups."

"What do you mean?" Leela asked.

"The Dilgar War for a start," I said, counting off on my fingers, "lost my foot at Tyree when Brannigan pissed off the Supreme Warmaster and used our squadron as living shields."

"Yeah, _Persephone_ and _Yorck_ were delivering medical supplies to the refugee camps on the surface, then he swans in, insults the Warmaster, and the cats start shooting at anything with Human lifesigns," Bender supplied.

"But... that's not what the news said?" Leela protested.

"Either Brannigan's a half decent liar or the reporters were taught by the Murdoch School of Journalism," I replied.

"Then there was the Robot Revolt on Proxima III last year, Brannigan strode between the lines of Striking Robots and the Civic Guard and made a very politically incorrect comment that set the strikers off," Bender added

"But just last month he saved the Octillian system from a horde of Killbots!" Leela protested.

"Yeah, by sending waves of his own men at them until they hit their kill quota and shut down, there was only him, his first officer and a single engineering crew left," I argued.

"They even sent the priest, the surgeon and the ship's cat!" Bender added.

"Allowing him to destroy the Killbots with a single pistol shot each after they'd all shut down," I finished.

"A grim day for robot kind," Bender said mournfully, then sat up cheerfully, "well, we can always make more killbots."

"He's the Most Decorated Officer in the Whole Democratic Order Of Planets!" said almost wistfully.

"I thought it was _Diplomatic_ order of planets?" I said quietly to Bender, who shrugged (somehow), then I looked back at Leela and my jaw dropped.

I looked at Bender and mouthed 'Is she fangirling over _Brannigan?_ '

Bender nodded, I turned back to the, now obviously, love struck cyclops, "ahhhhhhhh, Leela's got a crush."

"No I don't," she said a little too quickly, "but I think we ought to meet with him and see if he'll help rescue those animals."

"Well, just in case you guys hit it off, you might wanna take this with you," Bender held up the fork and clicked his teeth suggestively.

I rolled my eyes as Leela brought us in to dock.

* * *

We enter the bridge and I'm surprised not to see the blowhard taking centre stage.

"Hello, I'm Leela, the captain of the Planet Express ship," Leela said to the skinny green alien I knew to be Brannigan's first officer, "we've come to plead for your assistance."

"Well, if there's anything..." the XO is cut off by the blowhard himself.

"I'm in command here, the name's Zapp Brannigan," the blond ponce preened, "did my fame preceed me or was I too quick for it?"

My eyes dropped to the red uniform and I nudged Bender, "not sure about the fame but something preceded him."

As Bender giggled I couldn't help but sigh as Leela went all fangirly on the blowhard, "oh no, not at all. I'm just so really thrilled to meet you."

"You're an impressive piece of captain," I fought the urge to puke as he kissed Leela's hand, "Beautiful and Deadly - A potent combination."

I cock an eyebrow, okay for once he's not far off.

Leela blushes and pulls her hand away, "you don't mean that."

"Oh but I do," Brannigan insists, "I've perhaps met three captains more beautiful and only one deadlier."

"Janeway, Daala and Jha'dur," Bender whispered to me.

I nodded as Brannigan loudly invited us to lunch at the Captain's table.

* * *

I'm actually enjoying my meal somewhat, turns out Brannigan didn't get the cook killed.

I'm only listening to the dog and pony show with half an ear, which I soon regret as I'm pulled out of my seat by red caps.

"What just happened?" I asked, a little confused.

"We're being thrown in prison," Bender informed me.

"That's gotta be a record, locked up before shore leave even starts," I said without thinking, internally cursing for my brain to catch up to my mouth, "Wait a sec! We were sent here by Doop HQ Earthside to save those animals, I've got the Orders in my pocket!"

The red cap extracts the envelope and hands it to the XO, who on reading them turned to Brannigan, "these appear to be Legitimate, sir."

"Then throw them in the Brig until they're verified by Earth," Brannigan ordered.

* * *

"First bloody job from Doop and I get thrown in't clink," I grumbled as Leela tried her luck on the forcefield.

"You know, I might've liked Zapp Brannigan if he wasn't a pompous dimwit who threw me in prison," Leela said.

"Welcome to the club," I said as Bender commented on her high standards in men.

* * *

About an hour after Leela is taken to see Brannigan, Bender got bored.

"Hey, we can escape if I bend the hatch cover of this steam pipe," Bender says, standing up.

I'm half asleep so I'm not paying attention, "huh? sure, whatever."

Then my mind reboots, "Steam Pipe?!"

I cover my face in time to keep myself from being blinded.

"No good, it's full of steam!"

* * *

Several hours later.

I'm wondering if this is what steamed mussels fell like.

I'm sitting here, in a prison cell turned improvised steam room, clad in nothing but a towel as my balls try to introduce themselves to my knees.

My ear flicks as I look over at Bender, his antenna seems to be trying to impersonate a whip aerial from a Second World War tank.

After a light nap that's done wonders for my sinuses, the XO comes to the cell.

I'm almost fully dressed when he releases the forcefield.

"The fatso says you're free to go," the XO says in a bored tone.

"Why, did the orders clear?" I asked.

"Why indeed," the XO said in an off tone, looking meaningfully at Leela.

"What's that about?" I asked.

"Nothing," Leela said quickly.

"So, should we grab our stuff and head down to the planet?" Bender asked.

"We just talked, ok?" Leela replies.

I exchange a look with Bender.

* * *

After several hours of not so amusing shenanigans including Bender getting swallowed by a pregnant snake as large as a bus, me mistaking Leela for an equinoid mimic, and getting blown into the next county by a god-damned Shrimp, Bender and I waited at the ramp for Leela to return, only...

"Put that thing down or I'll kill it myself!" I shouted on seeing the one mammal plague of locusts.

Leela jerked away protectively as the pint sized natural disaster whimpered, "Fry, you're scaring Nibbler."

"Nibbler?!" my brain froze, "but... how... Leela, there's a standing order to kill those things throughout Alliance Space!"

"For a cute little thing like him," Leela asked incredulously.

"They're a one mammal plague of locusts!" I yelled, trying to make her understand, "they are carnivores with a near insatiable appetite and an insane ability to consume prey far larger than them."

"I'm keeping him, Fry," Leela declared, putting her boot down.

I see red for a moment and only catch myself when her eye visibly shows fear and she takes a step back, "Ok, you want to keep the predator, fine. But he's being caged up and he stays in your quarters until we drop off the animals, clear?"

Leela nods and I turn to Bender, just catching him looking at me with a worshipful expression, "You still have that Phlebotinum cage?"

"One flea-bow-tie-numb cage, coming up," Bender replies, taking the cage out of his chest cabinet, still haven't figured out how Mom built a quantum-dimensional pocket into her bending units, conveniently it had a quantum padlock on the front.

"You have the key, right?" I asked for Leela's sake, otherwise it would take a shot from a Bismarck to break that cage open, which would defeat the point as Nibbler would be obliterated too.

"Sure I do," he then reached back into his cabinet and drew out a suspiciously familiar keyring, "Here you go."

* * *

"Something wrong, Hermes?"

The Jamaican bureaucrat looked up at Amy from where he was searching behind the break room couch, "just looking for my keys, Amy. Actually have you seen them?"

"No but... my wallet's gone!"

* * *

The one mammal plague was stuffed unceremoniously into the cage and locked in, Leela then took the cage to her cabin.

I ran onto the bridge and ran up both the flight programme to get us out of here and the security vid to ensure Nibbler didn't escape.

The ship shook ominously.

I looked round wildly, holding tightly to my seat (one of the only things securely bolted down on the bridge) when Leela and Bender ran in, the latter looking like he'd fallen down the side of a quarry.

"The Planet's kerploding!" Bender screamed.

Yup, just like a little girl.

"Hang on, I'm going to boost us out of here!" Leela declared, but the engine cranked once and sputtered out, "we're out of fuel? Bender I told you to fill up before we left!"

"Ah, I'll do it when we get back," bender dismissed.

Between that plague monster and Bender I'm having a hard time keeping my temper under a lid.

When we get back he's getting a liquid nitrogen bath... or maybe I should switch out his testosteroil for fembot lubricants and change the labels.

Oooh, I bet Amy and Ari would be up for that.

 _'Wait, Ari?_ ' I thought, since when did I have a pet name for... oh god, I'm crushing on her!

Mind you, she's cute with a great butt and lovely sweater pu...

"Why don't you just call Brannigan for help?"

"Yeah why not, we are here on orders from his boss," I added.

"No Way, Forget It!" Leela refused firmly, "I'm not crawling back to him."

"Wait, what?" I blinked.

She didn't. She couldn't. This isn't baseline anymore?

But she was gone for about eight...

 **Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ!**

"What, it's not like you slept with him?" Bender said, offhandedly.

Leela wouldn't look either of us in the eye.

"Oh. Your. God!" Bender gasped.

"What the Hell Were You Thinking!" I shouted at her, "OF ALL THE DOUCHEBAGS IN THE GODDAMNED GALAXY..."

"Fry, don't you think I feel bad enough?" Leela retorted.

"No," I told her frankly, "For All Your Talk Of Standards, You Sleep With Brannigan."

"He's got a point," Bender chipped in, "by the way, the planet's still collapsing."

"Alright, I'll call him," Leela agrees as the ship starts to tilt after the latest rumble.

I tune the conversation out, instead deciding to watch the cracks growing around the ship.

"Wow! What a way to tell him to stuff it!" Bender applauded.

"What's plan B?" I asked.

"I guess we just sit here and wait for death?" Leela said uncertainly.

"Can do," Bender then sat back, put his feet up and lit a cigar.

Once again I resisted the urge to belt him when there was a loud bang and the ship lurched to the rear, coming to rest unsteadily at a seventeen degree elevation.

"What was that?" Bender asked.

"A huge weight just appeared in the captain's cabin," I reported on checking my console.

Five minutes later and we are in Leela's cabin, looking at a smelly black blob the size of a cricket ball in the litter tray next to Nibbler's cage.

"What stinks?" I asked as I followed the others in.

"I don't believe it, it's Dark Matter," Leela gasped.

"You mean this thing just unloaded a steaming pile of starship fuel?"

"A five ton lump of coal," I told him, slapping his shoulder, "and you get to load it into the engine."

"Dot It!" Leela orders, then runs for the cockpit.

Bender grumbles and puts a plastic bag on his hand, he tries and fails to lift it off the floor but eventually he semi-drags it into the engine room and we load it into the engine.

Seconds later I'm thrown into the wall as the engines ignite and the ship lifts off.

 _"We made it!"_ Leela announces over the tannoy, _"and we completed our mission."_

"So a few animals didn't die and Leela got lucky," Bender sums up, "That's what I call a successful mission."

I nod along for a moment as the adrenaline fades away.

I'm definitely getting Amy and Ari'el to help me prank him later.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

A/N: I know this is from season 3, but it is a fixed date, in fact the date is shown in episode, and I watched a rerun on Sky 1 last week. Enjoy!

* * *

This is officially the coolest day of my life.

The Professor has taken those of us in today all out to see a Supernova.

Leela, the professor and Bender are on the couch, Zoidberg is lounging against the back of my console while Ari'el and I are sharing an armchair pilfered from the professors quarters.

"I've never seen a supernova before," I said out loud, "but if it's anything like my old Chevy Nova, it'll light up the sky."

"Yeah, anyone who misses this will regret it the rest of their lives," Bender agreed, "hey Fry, mind making us some popcorn?"

"Sure," I get up and head to the ladder to get to the galley on the deck below, as I descend I note Ari'el is staring daggers at Bender.

Once in the galley I grab a pan of Iffy Pop popcorn and turn on the microwave, "come on microwave, I'm in a hurry..."

I see there's a warning label, I tear it off and put it in anyway.

The pan fizzles inside the microwave and after a second I notice a strange smell and odd blue light.

"What smells like Blue?" I ask aloud and glance at the microwave, I gulp and pull the plug as I notice the mass of glowing blue metal, on turning around I notice the blue glow is spreading.

I'm out the galley and up the ladder, as I reach the top I hear the guys babbling.

"What freaky thing happening are you guys..." I see a wall of red light about to touch a wall of blue light.

"Ah Crud."

* * *

After the flash I get the sensation of being flushed down a toilet before the inertial dampeners kick in.

I look up to see we're in a vortex, sorta like the intro to Doctor Who.

I try to make my way to the others but roll back into my console when the ship lurches, a moment later Ari'el lands on me, we hold onto each other for dear life.

Eventually the shaking stops and the ship returns to normal space.

"My head is spinning," Zoidberg complains.

Mine starts spinning as a clock falls off my console onto my nut.

"I don't know what happened but we've taken on a lot of clocks," Leela said, gesturing to a blurry pile that seems to be ticking.

"Let's just go home," I said as darkness threatened to claim me.

"Good idea," I just make out Ari'el leaning over me as I black out.

* * *

"What hit me?" I groan as I come too.

"A clock," Ari'el's honey tones say to my left, a second later another set of arms help her stand me up.

My vision returns just as we pass Mars, "Fry, get to your station!" I salute as Earth starts to come into view.

I run the basic battery of tests on my console but all returns come up negative.

"I'm not getting a global positioning signal," Leela announced.

I shook my head, "I got nothing from New Berlin. Not reading anything in orbit either."

"Nothing?" Farnsworth asks.

"Not even space junk," I confirmed.

"That's odd," Leela notes, "there's never this little traffic."

"And what's this layer of Ozone doing here, it's never been there before?" Farnsworth added.

"The ozone layer was an extra layer to Earth's atmosphere but It got worn away by late twentieth century poll..." I share a look with Ari'el.

Her tail flicks nervously, "you don't think..."

I nod slowly, "I flamingoed up."

"Huh?" Dear God she looks so cute with that confused look.

"It's like a cock-up but much, much bigger," I explained.

We come back to the others as Zoidberg complains about the alarms.

"Navigation's Failing!" Leela cried.

"We're going to crash!" Ari'el squeaked and curled up in my lap.

"Not if I can help it..."

And the failsafe cuts in.

"Oh," Leela says lamely as the engines die, "I guess we are. Strap yourselves in."

I get Ari'el to join the professor and Zoidberg on the couch as I strap in at my console, Bender just stands there as Leela straps in.

"Those things cost more lives than they save," he dismisses.

My vision fades. There's a loud BANG. A Smash. And a fading scream.

My sight returns to a hole in the windscreen and no Bender.

"There goes his no claims bonus," I note.

* * *

After about ten minutes we find Bender in pieces. A lot of pieces.

The biggest bits are his head and his ass, I pick up the former.

"Bender, are you alright?" I ask, he might be the biggest jerk I've ever met (beating even Brannigan) he's still my friend.

The head coughs then the visor over his eyes goes up, "I dunno, I'll try to move my feet."

A foot ten feet away wiggles. Never figured out how bending units do that.

"Alright, here's the plan," Leela says, "Zoidberg, pick up the pieces, everyone else take five."

"See you later, lobster," I say to Zoidberg.

* * *

The following morning I enter the bridge to find the professor, Bender and Ari'el sitting around a pin-up calendar.

"Remarkable! According the high-precision digital chronograph it's July 9th, 1947," Farnsworth stated, "which would explain why the chronograph has turned into this pin-up calendar."

You know, that calendar looks familiar...

"Wait a second!" Bender's head interrupted, "Are you saying we travelled through Time?"

"Doy!" The professor replied, "some idiot must have put metal in the microwave."

"Yo!" I said, holding up my hand.

"The microwave radiation, combined with the gravitons and graviolis from the supernova, blasted us through time itself," the professor finished.

"Wow," Ari'el said softly, then turned to me, "when you screw up, you _really_ screw up!"

"No half measures here," I say cheerily.

Leela bursts in, "have you seen today's news?" she slams a paper down on the console.

 _"High School Gym Renovations On Schedule?"_ Bender reads from the bottom of the page, "What a load!"

"Now, over here!" Lela says, pointing higher on the page, I read...

"Flying Saucer Captured?"

"That's no flying saucer, that's my ass!" Bender protests as he glares at the picture of a soldier making Bender moon the world.

"Then that means..." I gulped as I faced the others, "the flying saucer that crashed at Roswell..."

"Was us!" Ari'el finished, hugging me tight and making me drop Bender so I could comfort her.

The professor ignored Bender and added, "and the alien they captured was... Zoidberg."

* * *

Ari'el and I are looking over the Professor's shoulder as he runs a scan.

"We tore the universe a new space hole alright," He announces, "but it's clenching shut fast. Our only hope to return to our own time is to go through it in, oh, say..." he looks at his watch, "Exactly twenty four hours."

Leela blowtorches part of the console, then shuts off the torch, "well, The ship's fixed except for the cup holder and I should have that operational within 10 hours."

"You've got eight," Farnsworth countered, "now our only major concern is the microwave. Without a working one we have no hope of returning to the future. "

Leela looked at us thoughtfully, "Well, I'm sure we can buy a microwave somewhere around here," She turns to me, "Meanwhile, you guys sneak onto the army base and rescue Bender's body."

"No problem," I tell her, "Hey, and while we're on the base, I'll visit my grandfather, Enos. He was stationed at Roswell."

Farnsworth jumped up in surprise, "Your grandfather? Stay away from him, you dim-witted monkey. You mustn't interfere with the past. Don't do anything that affects anything, unless it turns out you were supposed to do it. In which case, for the love of God, don't not do it!"

"Got it!" though I really don't.

"If, for example, you killed your grandfather then you'd cease to exist," Farnsworth added.

I pale at the implications, but? "But if I don't exist how will I kil... oh, that's one of those Universe breaking things, right."

"Yes, wait? If you cease to exist, then I'll cease to exist... and then there wouldn't have been anyone to cause the accident because I didn't bring you along..." I stop him rambling.

"Stop talking about breaking causality," I told him.

"What about me?" Ari'el asks, her tail flicking nervously.

"Well, there is a holo-necklace in the girls shower," I mused, "you could tag along with Leela and the Professor."

"And how do you know what's in the girls shower?" Leela asked suspiciously.

"I lost the toss again this month so I have to clean it," I told her, then I remembered something, "oh, modern microwaves don't exist yet, but their predecessors are called a Radarange and are very expensive, also, kinda big."

"Thanks for that," Leela said, "I'd hate to go into town and get the wrong product."

"Don't mention it," I then duck out to find something I could scotch a WWII uniform from.

* * *

Getting onto the base was ridiculously stupid. Finding my way around?

 _That's_ a work in progress.

"ENOS!"

I looked to my left and gasped, there was my grandfather, complete with his min Fry hairdo getting yelled at by the sergeant.

The sergeant walks away and my grandfather walked over to one of the billets.

"I start to follow him and glance around as I approach the road, my gut drops as I spot a jeep heading towards us.

 _'Oh Shit! He'll Be Killed!'_ I thought, I sprinted forward and tackled him off the road, however a glance back showed the jeep had slowed and turned off the road.

"Sorry bout that, I saw the jeep and thought you'd be killed," I said, then flinched as I saw what I'd knocked him into.

"I did?" Enos asked, "Golly! Then I sure am lucky you knocked me onto this pile of rusty bayonets!"

Bender whispered to me, "Pst! Fry! Stop interfering with history. I don't wanna have to memorise a lot of new kings when I get back."

"I'd like to see you hold back if you saw yourself nearly get deleted before you were made," I retorted, the shudder told me he had a similar reaction.

"Well, thanks, soldier. I'm off to make Sarge's lunch! Handling raw chicken, best part of the job!" grandpa said, then licked his fingers, "Mmm! Finger-licking good!"

"Mind if I tag along for a bit? I'm new here," I asked.

"Sure thing, follow me," I stuff Bender into a kit bag lying around and follow grandpa.

* * *

"Ya sure are helpful, stranger," Enos complimented as we walked through town, he stops outside a shop called Joe's Malts, "I'm kinda hungry, let's stop in for a malt."

Inside it's a typical fifties diner, we settle into a booth and I hold out my hand, "forgot to mention, names Phil Fry."

"Gadzooks!" He says, shaking my hand excitedly, "nice to meet ya, Phil. Are we related?"

I laugh as I pick up a menu, "if wee are, the family connection isn't there yet. So, any recommendations?"

"Shepherd's Pie is good, the apple pie too," Enos says, there's a silence... "ya see that waitress?"

I looked at him, then where he was looking, I whistled as I took in the tasty brunette, "lookin' fer dessert?"

"That's mah fiancée, Mildred" my eyes bug out, grandma was one hot crumpet back in the day.

Good thing I like vixens.

"Can I take your order?" grandma asks, damn can she walk the walk!

"Shepherd's pie and a coffee, milk and two sugars?" I asked, I looked up just in time to see a gorgeous redhead walk in.

A redhead with honey coloured eyes!

I'm not the only one watching as Ari'el walks over, taking Mildred's place "Hello Fry, can I join you?"

"Sure," I dump Bender on the floor and scoot up to the window as Ari'el sits down next to me, "Enos, this is Ariel Forrest, she's an engineering student that works for my nephew."

"Well Golly! Nice to met ya, miss Ariel, I'm Enos Fry," grandpa said, holding out his hand, he turns to me after Ari'el shakes it, "but ain't you a little young to have a nephew? Ya can't be twenty years old?"

"My brother is quite a bit older than me," I told him, "over a decade actually and Hubert was born when his parents were young."

Not a lie... I wonder if this is how Bender feels when he twists the truth? Handy skill though.

A flash in the corner of my eye makes me jump, my knee knocks the table and the steak knife slides of and lands inches from grandpa's crotch.

"Bloody..." I freeze as my mind comprehends just how close that was, "you nearly got gelded!"

Ari'el looks at me as Enos shrugs, "hell, it ain't nearly as bad as gettin' killed."

"Some of us would prefer to die male," I told him, my voice tight.

Just then Mildred returns with our food.

"Hey Ariel, would you mind taking my bag back with you?" I asked, nudging Bender over to her, "something tells me the sarge won't think kindly of my science project."

"Sure," and with that she scoops up Bender and heads back out, stopping at the door to look at me over her shoulder. She gives me a smile and steps out. It takes me a full minute to realise I'm staring.

"Seems havin' an eye fer the ladies runs in the family," Enos observed.

I smile sheepishly and dig in to my meal.

About an hour later we're heading back, grandpa has insisted on taking me the long way round.

"You sure it's ok to head this way?" I can't shake the feeling I'm forgetting something.

There's a massive flash behind us and before I can turn something heavy hits my head.

* * *

I jerk awake as something slaps me.

"Quit it, I'm awake!" I protest and try to lean up, falling back into the impossibly soft pillows as my head swims.

"You're awake? Thank God!" Leela says from my left.

"When you didn't show up at the base or back home we got worried," I opened my eyes to find two redheads smiling at me from the right.

"Grandpa decided to cut through an old bombing range, he said it was abandoned," I replied, looking round I saw Ari'el on my right, Leela on my left and the professor next to Leela.

"Actually they were worried you might have become your own grandfather," a green kitbag said.

A glance shows Leela and the professor glaring, and kicking in the former's case, at said bag.

I look to Ari'el and she answers my question, "they were in the diner when your grandma got a call that your grandpa had been caught on the edge of a nuclear blast, they went to her place and found her and someone with hair like yours..."

"Ruttin like bunnies in mating season!" this time there was a distinctive bang from the bag.

"Turns out only you got put in hospital," Ari'el finished.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," I said to Leela and the professor, my voice dripping with sarcasm, "did you have any luck?"

The professor shook his head, "alas, no."

"The microwaves available just aren't advanced enough," Leela added.

"Can you convert a radar dish?" I asked.

"What, We can't change History!" Farnsworth protested.

"I'm risking killing my grandfather just being here, besides, we can't hide Leela and Ari forever, they'll end up like Dr Zoidberg," I pointed out.

The others exchange a look, "I'm sorry."

"So you're just going to roll over and let Wernstrom take the Academy prize again?" I demanded, "you're going to let History get in the way of putting that arse in his place?"

"Screw History!" Farnsworth shouts, jumping up, "Let's get the hell out of here already!"

* * *

Luckily for me there is an anti-concussion pill in the med cabinet on the ship.

We're flying over the base, I'm lighting up everything I can with the ADG (Asteroid Defence Gun) and I trigger the number 1 torpedo tube as we approach the fuel depot.

The torpedo flies true and sends the depot up in a blaze of glory Hollywood will probably spend fifty years trying to replicate.

Leela flies us through the base, weaving between buildings and telephone poles before knocking over a water tower as she lines up on the radar dish.

She not only snags the dish but rips off the roof of the hut, revealing that asshat sergeant eating lunch on a toilet bowl.

I switch on the internal comm as Leela hovers over the lad Zoidberg's in, I smile as Ariel picks up, "go get 'em, girl."

 _"They won't know what hit them,"_ she replies, waving the laser rifle from the ship's munitions locker.

I turn my attention to a Pershing tank that rolls out from a hangar, I track it and put a shot through the gun barrel.

The commander stares in horror as the barrel goes limp and bails out with his buddies following him.

I check the radar and see Leela and the others coming back, so I shut down the turret and head for the hold.

I get there just as Leela pulls a crazy barnstorming stunt that those fighter jocks will be swooning over, nearly sending me out the still open cargo hatch.

 _"We did It!"_ Leela announces over the comm.

"Choke on that, causality!" Farnsworth adds.

I look down beside Bender at the fast descending town.

"1947 can bite my shiny, metal aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..." a bump sends Bender tumbling out of the ship and back to Earth, screaming like a little girl all the way.

"Turn around! We've gotta go back!" I panicked as the hatch shut.

"We can't!" The professor refused, "The timehole is clenching shut, if we don't leave now, we'll never make it back!" He pulls a lever which makes the radar dish shoot blue light at a popcorn pan, engulfing the ship in blue light.

"Bender!" I shout before the ship enters the vortex.

* * *

A few hours later, we're all back in the Planet Express building, Zoidberg is sticking himself back together with duct tape.

"There! Good as new!" Zoidberg says as he finishes.

"Don't you need this one?" Leela asks and holds up an organ.

Zoidberg gasps, "Oh, no! That's my..." He gags, chokes and keels over. He gets back up again, smiling, "Gotcha!"

Leela isn't not impressed and tosses the organ over her shoulder.

I'm feeling terrible about abandoning my friend, Ari'el is giving me a hug, "Oh, poor Bender. He must be so lonely right now, trapped a thousand years in the past. Hey! Wait a second!"

* * *

The ship touched down in present day New Mexico outside the ruins of the Roswell airbase and we spend the next few hours searching.

I'm searching the area with a metal detector when I hit a contact, I check my surroundings to make sure I'm not In the old minefield.

"Want me to check?" Leela asks, I nod.

Leela slams her spade into the ground and it hits something metal.

"Ow! Stupid junk!" a muffled voice mutters.

 **"** He's alive!" I exclaim, I'd know that voice anywhere. Leela and Farnsworth cheer.

Leela digs and pulls Bender's head from the ground.

"Bender, what was it like lying in that hole for a _thousand_ years?" I ask him.

"I was enjoying it until you guys showed up," he complains

Farnsworth looks over us serenely, "Well, now everything is back as it was. And if history doesn't care that we wrecked Roswell, then who cares?"

Leela rejoins Bender's head with his body, which is still shaped like a spaceship.

"Amen!" Bender says as his new body lifts off and follows us back to the ship.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:

We had just got back and were waiting for the professor and Hermes to arrive.

"Admit it. You all think robots are machines built by humans to make their lives easier," Bender accused.

"Eeyup," I replied, I was trying to appear as though I was reading The Hobbit, but I was really watching Ari'el, who is rummaging around in the floor level cupboards, she's wearing lycra shorts and a tight shirt that does nothing to hide her somewhat overburdened sports bra.

I'm starting to wonder if she could swap clothes with Miranda Lawson without needing them modified.

Bender gasped, "Fry, how could you?"

"I was born at a time when robots weren't sentient," I reminded him, trying not to show my displeasure at being distracted from my new favourite sport, vixen watching, "and even today, not all robots are sentient. Back then robots were used to ease production and improve quality control, it was nearly a century before AI were invented and a little thing called ethics got in the way."

"Well I don't make anyone's life easier and you know it," Bender retorted.

 _'Yah sure don't,_ ' I thought as he took a drag on his cigar.

"God news everyone," Farnsworth announced as he entered with a badly bandaged Hermes, "you'll be delivering a package to Capek-9, a planet where Humans are killed on sight."

"How's that good news?" I argued, "wait, Capek? as in..."

"Yes, the Martian Mad Scientist that experimented on robots and Humans sparking the Cyborg Revolt of 2189," Farnsworth told us, "he founded a small colony there so he and his supporters could escape, but the robots found him in 2203, Massacred them all and have ruled there since, still clinging to their radical beliefs."

"Oh so just 'cause a robot wants to kill humans that makes him a _radical_?" Bender demanded.

"If not Military? **Yes!** " I snapped at him, "little thing called the Sentient Rights Act? You know, the same thing that makes you a person not property?"

Bender froze and eyed the glares coming at him from all directions, by the looks of it he's wondering if he's actually pushing his luck for once.

"Now hold on a minute," Leela says, holding her hand up, Bender sweat drops as the attention is drawn off him, "I can understand their feelings about Humans..."

"Really?" Amy asks from atop her party board.

"Twentieth Century History was written in Blood," I reminded her.

"But what are their feelings on Humanoid aliens?" Leela finished.

"They're not fans," Hermes answered.

"Splicers?" I asked.

Technically I'm no longer Human but a hybrid.

"Depends on how much Human and how stable your DNA is," Hermes replied.

"Keep my passport on me," I deduced, "got it."

"Which is why Bender will have to make the actual delivery," Farnsworth concluded.

"Oh I get it, make the robot do all the work!" Bender complained.

"When was the last time you did any work?" Ari'el demanded, crossing her arms, which did interesting things to her...

"Well I'm not doing it," Bender said, "it's a robot holiday."

"Really?" I asked with a hint of sarcasm, "which one?"

"Robonukah!" Bender replied, " _Only_ the Holiest two weeks in the robot calendar."

"Oh come on," I moaned.

"Bender, last month it was Robomadan," Leela countered, "and the month before Robonzaa."

"Ok, that was a blast," I admitted.

As in, Saint Patricks piss up in the Saint James' Gate Brewery grade Blast!

"It wasn't just a blast," Bender corrected, "it was a sacred tribute to my primitive ancestral prototypes that happened to take the form of a drinking contest."

"Look Bender, I respect your diversity as much as the next man," Hermes started, with a sense of laying down the Law, "but you used up all your time off with that bout of Roberculosis two months back."

"Fine, I'll do it. But so help me, I'll hold a grudge against every last one of you for the rest of your lives," Bender declared.

"Methinks the Lady _Nemesis_ would be displeased to hear of your misbehaviour," I said smoothly, grinning viciously as Bender curled in on himself in fear.

* * *

"So, this planet is uninhabited?" I asked Bender, knowing it'll grate his hard drive.

"No, it's inhabited by robots," Bender replied testily.

"So like a warehouse is inhabited by boxes," I said, enjoying the way he ground his face plate, "gotcha!"

* * *

An hour later we're over Capek-9.

"Ok Bender we're here," Leela announces as she parks at five hundred feet.

"I'll ready the winch," I told her and got up to head for the cargo hold, Bender follows a few minutes later grumbling a few lines from 'Ol Man River.

Five minutes later we're all around the cargo hatch, fortunately the winch isn't fitted with the magnet this time.

"We can't land on the surface because those robots will kill Fry and Me," Leela said, "So you'll be lowered down on the winch and we'll hoist you up when the delivery is over."

"And remember: You don't know Humans, You don't work for Humans and above all, You don't like Humans!" I told him.

"I'll try to keep that in mind," Bender groused, he then stepped onto the winch and I lowered him down.

"He seems pretty angry," Leela observed.

"Aren't we when we get sent on these high risk missions?" I countered.

"Maybe we should do something nice for him..."

An hour later I'm putting the finishing touches to the bridge after Leela found a box of Robonukah decorations in the broom cupboard.

"There, that ought to show that stupid robot we care about him," Leela said as she finished lighting the candles.

The video-phone lit up as she finished speaking.

"That must be him now," she said and went to accept the call.

 _"Guys! I'm in trouble. they found out I work with humans and - oh no, oh no!"_ Bender gets dragged away from the screen and into the darkness.

"Oh God!" I swore, "We've got to rescue him!"

"We can't, they'll kill us on sight!" Leela protested.

"Not if we're disguised as robots!" I pointed out.

Though i'm not even sure they will kill us, we aren't exactly Human.

Also, I brought my passport so I can plead my case

* * *

Ten minutes later, we're on the surface, Leela is dressed in boxes, metal flexi-tubes and other things while I'm wearing the ship's only suit of Power Armour.

Given the fact it's a 2177 model T-45b... yeah, I walk like a robot and need to change out power cells every hour or so. Hubert said he kept it because it was a fascinating tech sample from the time when Humanity transitioned (however unwillingly) from petroleum to fusion energy. Highly advanced concept but the actual technology was lacking.

Fun fact, it originally used miniature Fusion reactors called Fusion Cores, now the batteries are advanced enough to fit in the same socket with the same output. A lot cheaper too.

"If we're gonna save Bender, we need to look and act exactly like robots," Leela told me.

I activated the LED that would play across my visor and the voice modulator, _"By Your Command!"_

Leela rolled her eyes, "We have to walk like robots, talk like robots and if necessary solve complex differential equations like robots."

I scoffed, _"what am I gonna do? Dance the robot? I can't exactly walk like a human here?"_

Leela offered an apologetic smile and stepped onto the winch.

* * *

As we approach the gate, I look at the reflection of the colander Leela is wearing for a helmet, _"Man, you look stupid. You should've gotten a store bought costume."_

"There isn't a Woolworths in this sector," Leela said, sadly.

 _"Halt!"_ we stopped and looked up to see two large guards, _"Be you robot or human?"_

 _"Who you calling Human, Bolt-Bucket!"_ Leela face palmed as I responded in the 'Surgeon-General' voice.

"Robot...we be." Leela:

The guard didn't seem to buy it, _"Administer the test,"_ he ordered his companion

The second guard strode up to us, _"Which of the following would you most prefer? A: A puppy? B: A pretty flower from your sweetie or C: A large properly formatted data file?"_

 _"Choose!"_ the first guard ordered.

 _"Is the puppy mechanical in any way?"_ I asked after consulting with Leela.

 _"No. It is the bad kind of puppy."_ the second guard replied.

 _"But I always wanted a cyber-dog,"_ I whined pitifully.

 **"** Then we'll go with that data file," Leela says quickly.

 _"Correct,"_ the second guard stated.

 _"The flower would also have been acceptable,"_ the first guard added.

 _"You may pass."_ The two guards then fold up and move back to the gate pillars.

Leela looks at me and I shrug my shoulders.

Inside we find the streets to be abandoned.

"Now if you see any robots, stay out of their way," I roll my eyes but then a clock over my head buzzes.

The doors on each side of the road open and robots swarm out, I give Leela a flat look just before the robots enter the intersection and I just catch a sheepish look before the crowd fills my vision.

I'm buffeted from side to side, once or twice I hear Leela complaining as she is dragged past by the traffic, then the alarm sounds again and everybot disappears.

"So far so god!" Leela shouts, I look over my shoulder to find she'd been swept halfway back the way we came while I remained in the intersection.

* * *

I've no idea what just happened but we had to duck into a cinema to dodge the cops.

I'm standing because the seats won't take my weight.

The movie is a spoof of old fifties sci-fi horror flicks, specifically two teens in a open top muscle car on a 'Make Out' ridge, listening to music.

The radio issues a warning of a non-metallic lifeform in the area.

"Hey Wendy, you chassis looks a little scuffed. Mind if I polish it for you?" the boy asked, he looked like a stereotypical all American jock.

"Did you hear that Rusty?" the girl said, huddling to the boy at a sound from the bushes, she seemed to be the pretty but naïve home town girl type, "it sounded like a Human?"

"Nah, don't worry about it, Wendy," 'Rusty' said dismissively, "Humans would never come to our defenceless little town."

There was a roar and a robot dressed as a human rose out of the bushes, ripped off 'Rusty's' head and ate it.

"Ooooooooooo," the audience cooed.

 _"Wow, the 3-D's great!"_ I praised.

"Mine's not working," Leela complained, I looked over to see her shifting the lenses over her eye one at a time, I bite down a snigger and turn back to the film.

The 'Human' continues on it's rampage for several minutes before a large piece of shrapnel buries itself in its back.

Wendy and the 'General' roll up, "funny isn't it?" the 'General' muses, "the Human was immune to our most powerful electromagnetic fields but was felled by a harmless flying rock."

"Thank the Omnissiah it's over," Wendy gasped.

"It'll never be over, Wendy," the General retorted, "It'll never be over Wendy. Even now humans are lurking in our playgrounds, our breezeways, perhaps even...our movie theatres!"

The audience gasped as the General pointed to them.

 _"Omnissiah Preserve Us!"_ I whispered.

Hey, I'm getting into this.

* * *

Once outside, I met up with Leela and we started back into town.

"What did you think of the movie?" a robot asked me.

 _"Too much romance, not enough violence,"_ I replied automatically.

"Yeah, it was a real chick flick," the robot scoffed.

A loud fanfare sounded over the city.

 _"What's that?"_ I asked.

"What dya mean what's that? It's time for the daily Human hunt.

A few minutes later we're in a crowd in front of a podium, torches and pitchforks seem common accessories.

I tune out the gossiping revellers as a blocky robot with a sash saying 'Mayor' rolls out.

"Welcome to a very special human hunt," the Mayor greeted, "We have with us today a guest who's irrational hatred of humans makes me look like a human sympathiser!" The crowd gave a laugh, "newly arrived refugee from Earth, lets hear it for - Bender!"

I smiled inside my helmet as the familiar robot came out.

"Death to Humans!" He shouted, the crowd erupts.

I turn to Leela to see her giving me a flat look.

 _"It's Monday,"_ I said with a shrug.

* * *

After about half an hour of spiel about how he hates Humans, the Hunt began, twenty minutes later he snuck to an old pornography shop.

That's one thing I like about the Future, doesn't matter if you're Human, Omicronian, Amoeba or Robot, Men are still Men and getting a bollocking for our dirty minds.

To say Bender looked like a prototype caught looking at his hot cousin's spare circuit housings was an understatement.

"Huh?" he jumps and hides a dirty book behind him, "what are you guys doing here?"

"Rescuing you," Leela replied.

"Yeah, last we saw you'd been outed as contaminated by Humans," I added, taking off my helmet.

"I was. But they let me go when I told them that I'd killed a million billion humans," Bender said, dropping the book.

"Right," I rolled my eyes as we both knew he'd have been blasted to scrap after about five thousand if he'd tried, "time to go."

"What, back to the ship?" Bender asked, "no way!"

"We're here to rescue you," Leela repeated, crossing her arms under her chest.

Not as impressive as when Ari did it.

"I'm staying," Bender declared, "I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame and access to sleaze that those things bring."

"Bender, we're your friends," I protested.

"Friends? Hah!" Bender scoffed, crossing his arms and posturing like Mussolini, "that activates my Hilarity Unit. I'm no more friends to you than a toaster, a phonograph or the electric chair!"

My whole body hardened as I stared into his ocular receptors, "I came back for you."

Like I'd flicked a switch he went from confident to uncertain.

"Would I have done that for a mere toaster?" I asked.

Bender was saved from answering by the Mayor bursting in, "Good News! Your album just went Gold... What on Capek?"

Bender looked uneasily between us the slid between myself and Leela, grabbing our arms, "Er... Got You... murderous piles o..." **Crunch** " _EEEEEEEE..."_

Bender collapsed as I withdrew my knee from his crotch, a glance over my shoulder showed not only the other robots but Leela clutching their groins in sympathetic agony, eyes locked on the distorted mess that was once a MomCorp Type 113 Masculinity Module.

And guess who Bender suckered into signing for it?

"eeeepp!" the Mayor uttered, then tried to act tough, " _You_... Ahem. You are under arrest!"

"As long as we get to say our piece in court I'll come quietly," I offered.

"OK!" the others said quickly.

* * *

The Hall of Justice is pretty snazzy actually, once again I'm standing as they couldn't get me out of my armour and the seats won't support me.

"Your Honour, I intend to demonstrate beyond 0.5% of a doubt that these humans before us are guilty of the crime of being humans," The Mayor declares, addressing the judge and court, opening his case, "Come to think of it, I rest my case!"

"Objection!" we had no legal counsel so we, or rather I, defended us, "The Prosecution is making assumptions without evidence to back it up!"

"I suppose you have evidence?" the Judge, an old Mac, queried.

"My Passport," said document was taken by the Baliff and shown to the judge.

"Turn," the judge instructed, "turn. Turn. Turn. T... oh my."

"Is everything ok?" the Mayor asks.

"The judge jumps slightly, "oh, everything is fine. For now, anyway."

I frowned, my DNA isn't that unstable is it?"

"The male is a Splicer, heavily so," the judge noted, he then gestured for the return of my passport, "now, do you have proof you aren't Human?"

"What? No!" Leela exclaimed, then gestured to her almighty eye, "Humans have two eyes, do I look Human?"

"Beer goggl..." a thunk and curse told me Leela had tried to belt for reminding her of that date.

"Then in absence of evidence to the contrary, I pronounce you Human!" the Judge declared, "Therefore, I will now consider the Evidence."

A loading screen replaces the face, a blue bar crossing the screen, accompanied by the screech of a dial up connection then...

Beep!

The bailiff looks over the edge of the desk, "he's frozen up again."

I face palmed as the crowd shouted suggestions, I know 90's computers were a joke but come on!

"He's back!" I looked up to see the bar finish filling and the judge reappear.

"I have reached a verdict," the judge announced, "The male is innocent of the crime of being Human."

"Phew," I grinned as the courtroom groaned.

"The female is guilty of the crime of being Human!"

"Come On!" Leela groaned, "Look! One. Eye. Count them!"

The male is guilty of associating with Humans!"

"Can't win 'em all," I muttered.

"The Humans are sentenced to live as Robots live on Earth," The judge announced, "making tedious calculations and spot welding automative vehicles until they are obsolete and given away to an inner city university to experiment on."

As my helmet is tossed to me I realise that must be where the judge came from.

Then the bailiff pulls a lever and I'm overcome by weightlessness.

Fortunately I don't land on Leela.

"Ow!" I hear from my left, I look over to see Leela rubbing her rump.

I hear something to my right and see several tall robots in robes, Leela sees them too "Who are you?"

"Silence, we are the Robot Elders," the blue one says loudly.

"You don't look old?" I pointed out, hell these guys are in better nick than even Mom's poster robots.

"Thank you, we look after ourselves," the blue one said cheerfully.. then he froze.

I did too as a cracking sound started under me, I looked down as it got louder to find a spider's web of cracks growing rapidly.

I looked up in time to see the others take big steps away from me. I quickly put my helmet on.

 _"I hate my life,"_ I muttered as the floor gave way.

* * *

I'm pushed through the door and it closes with a loud BANG.

I walk over to Leela to find Bender has joined us and they've apparently moved to another room, seeing as there is a distinct lack of a hole in the floor.

 _"Sorry about that,"_ I apologised.

"Don't worry, just take your place and we can begin," the green one said.

I stood next to Leela.

"Now, as we were saying," the Blue one said.

"We are the Robot Elders," the red one announced... again.

"And we are here to pronounce judgement," the lime one said..

Wait, isn't there already a green one?

"But we were just sentenced," Leela protested.

"Silence. That was a sham for the people," the red one said.

"Silence. We are the true rulers of this planet, hand carved from meteorites by the Robot Founders, over four centuries ago," the blue one said.

"Silence. Step forward Bender, you shall have the Honour of killing these Humans," the green one said.

"Silence. I concur," the lime one said.

"Here, use the ceremonial killamajig," the blue one handed Bender something that resembled a blunt mace, then ports opened and the contents of a suicide booth shot out.

I cracked my knuckles, planted my feet and rolled my shoulders as Leela scampered behind me.

 _"Come and have a go if you think you're Hard enough?!"_ I dared them.

* * *

I make it to the winch just behind Leela, a limping Bender following shortly after.

It says something about how much damage I did as I can't exactly run in this thing.

Bender climbs on and Leela hits the switch, the winch groans ominously but begins to rise, I lean out to see the robots congregating below.

 _"So long, suckers!"_ I shout, then face palm as I see the robots forming a robot ladder, "Me and my big mouth."

"Wait a sec, I forgot to deliver the package," Bender opens his chest cavity and pulls out the box, dropping it on the top robot.

The ladder overbalances and falls, the box splitting open on the way down showering the robots in small shiny things.

I barely notice the shouting turn from angry to joyous as I hop off the winch and head to a corner to power down and get out of this armour.

I return to the bridge just as we clear orbit and Leela sets the autopilot.

"Aaah, you did all this for me?" Bender asks on seeing the decorations, then lowers his voice, "You do know I made Robanukah up to get out of work right?"

"Actually, it's real," I laughed at his face, "but not many celebrate it on Earth, Luna yes, but not Earth.

"But that doesn't make it any less meaningful!" Leela said.

"In that case - let the dancing begin!" Bender shouted and we all broke into our robot dances, Bender stopped to admire our performance, "Hey you guys are good. How the hell do you do that?"

* * *

The next morning I wake up to my tongue feeling like it's a shag pile rug, I sit up and look around to see Leela draped over her chair.

Said cyclops groans and falls to the floor, as she gets up, an oil can, plus label, is stuck to her face.

"Fry?" she groans, the can falls off leaving the label on her face.

I fish into my jacket for a pack of disposable hyposprays containing the Alliance's best selling pharmaceutical, Hangover-Be-Gone.

I pull one out and inject myself as the oil can hits my foot, I toss the other to Leela as I dump mine in the bin, I lean down to pick up the can as my mind clears, one look at the label has me grinning like a loon.

"What's got you so happy? Looking to see cuddlefox when we get back?"

I resisted the urge to toss the can at her, since the jaunt through time everyone had been teasing me over how Ari'el would instant-cuddle me whenever something happened, not that I was complaining about getting attention from a very cute and curvy female.

"Fry, what's this?" I looked over to see here holding a label for Testosteroil, I held up the can of Oiltrogen.

"I think Amy and Ari just pranked Bender," I grinned mischievously.

"Fry, with how much he consumed last night it'll take weeks to get out of his system," Leela then cocked her head in thought.

"Unless he gets an emergency transfusion in the next hour or so," I pointed out, "However, I for one think he deserves a little discomfort for his recent transgressions."

We were interrupted by the sound of a robot christening the Throne.

"Ok, help me hide the cans until we can dump them in the asteroid belt," Leela said quickly.

I smiled as we quickly tidied up. Bender was in for a rough couple of weeks alright.


End file.
